In a devastating turn of events, 29-year-old Bianca Daniels is, once again, seduced by the idea of getting thick bangs despite knowing they’re bad for her and never treat her right.
“I don’t know what it is about them,” Bianca explains. “But bangs have a way of convincing me I need them. There’s just something so effortlessly attractive to me about having shorter hairs in a row like that on my face.”
“I know what people say, that bangs will totally destroy my life and will inevitably leave me curled up in bed weeping because I can’t figure out how to blow dry them like they did in the salon,” she continued. “But I still want them. I feel like I’m not enough without them.”
Friends of Daniels have confirmed that this is far from the first time Bianca’s danced with the devil (i.e. decided to impulsively fringe up her forehead). Sources confirm it has happened at least three other times since high school.
“Everytime Bianca decides to get bangs we do our best to remind her what happened last time, and the time before that and the time before that,” says Keith Revers, a friend from Tufts. “When she was a sophomore she was so upset that her bangs wouldn’t lay flat like Emma Watson’s that she chopped them all off. She wore a beret for a year to hide what she had done. It was traumatic for all of us.”
“Last year Bianca ran into her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, and she had this gorgeous thick bang situation,” says Natalie Goven. “So naturally Bianca went to get bangs and immediately realized she had done something pretty insane, you know, copying the hairstyle of her ex’s new lady. It was fucked up.”
Despite these reminders, Bianca has decided to get back with bangs, so to speak.
“I miss them, and I know that they will absolutely make my life harder. For instance, I’ll have to spend ten minutes blow drying them every morning and that they will probably give me uncontrollable forehead acne,” says Bianca. “But I’m just so into them. And I can’t imagine my life without them.”
When reached for comment after getting her new ‘do, Bianca said:
“I look like Zooey Deschanel if she was ugly and had bad bangs. These are going to take me at least two years to grow out. You should have warned me!”