Woman Knows the Minutiae of Every Celebrity Drama but Not the Year Her Parents Got Divorced

In a developing story out of Philadelphia, PA, 26-year-old Aleena Matthews has admitted to knowing the day-to-day specifics of the Justin Bieber/Hailey Bieber/Selena Gomez drama and all other actions leading up to it over the past 15 years, except for the year when she was caught in the middle of her own parents’ messy divorce.


“I was a huge Justin Bieber fan back in 2010. Of course I’m going to be interested in what’s going on with him now,” Matthews told reporters. “Did my parents also happen to get divorced in 2010? Who knows. Like I said, I was pretty busy with being a die-hard Belieber at that time. I can’t really remember anything else that was going on.”


Sources close to Matthews expressed their belief that her past and current interest in the daily specifics of Justin Bieber’s personal life was an obvious coping mechanism for being asked to choose between her parents in court when she was in middle school.


However, Matthews vehemently denied these claims, asserting that her fascination with Justin and Hailey Bieber’s marriage was solely for “normal, adult reasons.”


“Was running a Justin Bieber fan Instagram for the better part of five years a way of coping with my parents’ spiteful divorce? Why would you ask me that?” Matthew said. “I honestly forgot that my parents ever even got divorced and that Christmas was never the same after that. Why would I need to utilize an obvious coping strategy for something that I don’t even remember?”


Matthews then went on to ramble about the intricacies of the alleged Hailey Bieber vs. Selena Gomez feud, a 30-minute long tangent apparently triggered by the mere discussion of her parents’ divorce.



“So, basically, the internet is saying Hailey Bieber compulsively copies everything that Selena Gomez posts on social media,” she said. “I’m not sure I believe any of it, but some of the evidence is pretty damning. The timing of those pictures of their younger selves was uncanny! I haven’t seen my parents in the same room in 13 years.”


At press time, Matthews remained steadfast in her claim to have “absolutely no idea” when her parents got divorced, stating that the incident had “no real impact” on her, and wondering offhand if anyone wanted to parse through more than an hour of Hailey Bieber talking on the Call Her Daddy podcast to “get closure on this whole thing once and for all.”