Like many women, 25-year old Melissa Stanford used to feel the pressure of unrealistic beauty standards. But unlike many women, this enterprising young woman finally did something about it. After realizing that her body type – soft, curvy, sickly pale – was the epitome of beauty in the 1480s, Melissa built a time machine so she could go back to that era and be an undeniable “ten.”
“In 2018, I’m like barely a seven,” says Stanford. “But in the mid-1480s, men were all about that ample bosom, rounded stomach, full hips, and fair skin. Aka I would have been a fucking ten! That’s why I spent millions of dollars and thousands of hours developing a time machine so I could go back in time to when I am more fuckable by society’s standards.”
Over the course of a decade, Stanford received a Ph.D. in astrophysics then worked tirelessly to unravel Einstein’s theory of relativity in order to support her own theory that in a different time and space, men would be “obsessed” with her.
“I had no intention to change my body,” she explains. “I wanted to change the world. But not by preaching body positivity. I just mean that I wanted to go back in time to fuck the dudes who were into my sort of lithe, shapeless body and translucent skin.”
Soon, women all around the world will be able to live in the time period when they are considered smokin’ hot tens, as Stanford is about to open her time travel services to the public. Still, she admits, the plan does have its downsides.
“Yeah okay, sure – A lot of previous decades were bad for women, especially women of color,” she says. “But sometimes you wanna get that good old-timey dick and if that means being a 1950s housewife or being tried as a witch, so be it. I don’t care if I can’t vote, I just want to slay!”
Wow, how incredibly problematic!
“All bodies are beautiful,” she adds. “But my body is specifically hot as all hell in 1484. So that’s where I go to get some!”
Okay!
