In a story of faith and perseverance coming out of Richmond, VA, extremely sick 22-year-old Kendall D’Mann is expecting the vitamin C packet she just dissolved in her water to put in a lot of work for her immune system, despite all scientific evidence that suggests the contrary.
“When my doctor told me I had come down with an extremely virulent strain of the flu, one of the worst he’d ever seen, I knew it was time to break out the big guns,” she told reporters. “So I grabbed a vitamin C packet and let it work its magic.”
By ‘work its magic,’ Kendall can expect the water-soluble vitamin to be excreted shortly after consuming, since sources confirm she already had an orange today.
When asked if she would be taking any other medication—or rather, any medication at all—Kendall was confident that she didn’t need to.
“Nope! I already have all the vitamin C I need, silly,” she said, clearly misunderstanding how an immune system works.
When Kendall’s parents called to check in on her and asked if she was taking care of herself, she immediately said yes and winked at one of our reporters.
She informed her parents she had just taken an “Emergen-C,” but wasn’t sure if it had kicked in yet given that she didn’t sleep last night, didn’t have breakfast, and has not hydrated aside from that one glass of vitamin C/water mixture.
Her parents insisted on driving down to take care of her, but Kendall assured them there was nothing to be done, because she already has enough vitamin C packets for the next few days.
D’Mann’s roommates also appear concerned.
“She’s thrown up, like, a lot,” said roommate Maya Hannel. “I’m pretty sure whatever vitamin C she took was gone on the first shot.”
Reporters informed Kendall’s primary care doctor, Dr. Priya Patel, of Kendall’s personal treatment plan, and tears welled up in Dr. Patel’s eyes.
“What? So she’s not taking the steroids or the inhaler or the penicillin I prescribed?” Dr. Patel said. “And she’s only fueling her body with what? A box of Triscuits??”
Sources confirm Kendall’s condition had dramatically worsened by the fourth night. “But fear not!” she assured her loved ones, who had gathered by her side. “It’s nothing a gummy multi-vitamin can’t fix!”