In a story that highlights the importance of both thinking ahead and being an evil mastermind, 25-year-old Heidi Wilkins is choosing the next perfume that will best haunt her future ex.
“It’s really hard to make a decision like this, because your perfume really is such an extension of yourself,” Heidi told reporters gathered at her local Sephora, where she was meticulously testing every perfume. “It’s the smell people come to associate you with, but more importantly, it’s the smell that will haunt your future ex for years to come, and that sort of thing takes a delicate touch.”
The casual cruelty with which Heidi said this took reporters by surprise, but they were a bit too scared of her to mention it.
“Mmm, not that one,” Heidi whispered aloud after testing Daisy by Marc Jacobs. “Not distinct enough to haunt his every waking hour.”
Heidi maintains it’s all about striking the perfect balance: a perfume that’s rare enough that she doesn’t smell like everyone else but common enough that her future ex will smell it sometimes when she’s not there, such that he is catapulted back to memories of the two of them.
“But then he’ll look around and realize I’ll be nowhere to be found,” she continued, a maniacal gleam in her eye. “And he’ll realize he misses me. And he’ll wonder where I am. And he’ll consider calling but know it could never be the same. Hmmm, maybe something by Dior?”
According to Heidi, smelling good is definitely one goal, but more so than that, the goal is immortality.
“I want to smell so good he can never escape me,” she continued. “Within a price range of, like, $80 of course.”
Heidi’s exes confirm she’s done this extremely successfully in the past.
“Yeah, we had a fling for about five weeks back in 2018,” said one ex, Tyler Hitchens. “I’ve been searching for her around every corner since. “I can’t tell is it’s CK One or Brit by Burberry, but she’s fucked up my life for sure. Wish her the best!”
Back at Sephora, Heidi decided to ask a salesperson for assistance.
“Yeah, real quick, if you smelled this after we shared a few beautiful weeks together, would it cause you intense pain?” she asked.
The salesperson took one whiff and confirmed it would send her straight to the ground with regret. As of press time, Heidi had purchased it and was back to gleefully swiping on Hinge.
