Sources in Burlington, VT have confirmed that 25-year-old Madison Buckwack is currently foaming at the mouth and writhing on the ground at the thought of soon being able to enjoy a warm beverage on a particularly chilly evening.
“I NEED A FUCKING WARM BEVERAGE ON A GODDAMN COLD NIGHT,” she told reporters, spittle flying out of her mouth as she insisted her quotes be published entirely in capital letters. “I WANT IT, AND I’M GOING TO GET IT. RAAAAAAAAAH!”
Madison then turned bright red and threw a desk across the room, narrowly missing one reporter, but definitely hitting another.
“Listen, Madison and I hate winter as much as the next guy,” said Madison’s roommate, Pam Prahil, who offered to speak for her. “But the only way we get through it is by visualizing how nice it’ll be to have a hot chocolate, perhaps a warm mulled wine, on a cold evening where the snow is blowing and the wind is howling.”
Madison, meanwhile, was busy ripping clothing with her teeth.
“I just can’t wait until I can have a warm beverage and not be too warm, you know?” Pam continued, clearly forgetting that every April, she curses the god that created her for forcing her to live on this wretched, frozen earth. “And a warm beverage on a cool evening with friends? Don’t even get me started.”
Meanwhile, Madison added a heartfelt, “I WANT IT. I WANT IT. I WANT IT!” Her cries reached a fever pitch, prompting some neighbors to come over and check in on the duo, while others opted to board up their windows for fear of becoming the object of her ire next.
“MADISON WANT A WARM HOT CHOCOLATE WITH WHIPPED CREAM. MADISON GOING TO DEVOUR HER WARM BEVERAGE,” she concluded, her mouth overcome with foam that appeared to dissolve the wooden floor upon contact.
“She always gets like this,” said Madison’s mother, Becky Buckwack. “The second it gets a little cold, she’s all about having a cozy little warm beverage on a cool evening.”
Sources confirm these types of evenings will likely make up only 5% of Madison’s total winter nights, while she will spend the vast majority of them huddled in the corner of her apartment, desperately trying and failing to warm her feet.
At press time, Madison had finally cooled off from her initial excitement, and apologized to the reporters for getting “a little too enthusiastic.” They then reminded her that within the month, she could probably spend some time by a crackling fire in a snowstorm, and she once again lost her shit.
