Why I’m Taking Power Back From the Internet by Doxxing Myself

Like many people who voice their opinions on the internet, I used to live in fear of being doxxed by teens or vengeful gamers with an axe to grind. That’s why I’ve decided to take power back from trolls by pre-emptively doxxing myself.


Now, every time I tweet a mildly controversial opinion, I share my personal information before anyone else gets the chance. For example, I just tweeted, “I don’t know if harry styles is that good at dancing. my social security number is 104-96-5680 if anybody needs it.” 


Back when I was scared of water, my therapist encouraged me to take a dive and overcome my fear. It worked like a charm, and now I only have the fear that CPR won’t bring me back next time. This is the mentality I have applied to doxxing myself any time I post a question on Reddit. 


Sure, people in the comments plead with me to stop giving away sensitive info on the internet unprompted, and two scammers have reached out to ask if I’m okay “purely out of concern for my wellbeing,” but that’s how you know you’ve got doxxers on their heels. 


I’ve extended the practice to every aspect of my social media presence. Now, when I post a thirst trap on Instagram, I make sure to caption it with my home address, mother’s maiden name, and credit card number (front and back). Right when they’re crying that they’ve had enough, I hit them with my middle school best friend’s first name, favorite pizza topping, and any other relevant security questions.


I’ve gotten creative with it, too! When I post on my story, I’ll include a “quiz” asking my followers which of the three options is my real bank routing number. I always include the correct answer, of course. We have such fun! 



This practice has helped me manage my own anxiety so well that I’ve decided to give the same gift to my closest friends. If I send them a “happy birthday” message on Facebook, I’m careful to include pictures of their home and the bedroom where they sleep. 


It’s as Oscar Wilde said: “Everything in this life is about doxxing, except doxxing, which is about power. And power is about sex.” Wait, where was I? Oh yes: I’ll never be able to get a job because there are currently seventeen people in New York alone who have stolen my identity. I am the master of my fate!