We’ve all got one: a pile of clothes at the end of our bed that just won’t go away. Don’t worry! No one’s judging you, because literally everyone has one. The only thing to worry about is what that pile is saying about you when you’re not around. Your messes are chatty little Cathys who say more than you think, especially because you didn’t realize they became anthropomorphized while you were out. Here’s what each pile is saying about you:
The Dirty Clothes Pile
It’s the dirty piles that really get you on a realness level. They’re always like, “What about it? So what if she has a huge mound of unwashed clothing, she’s a great person who’s just looking for love like the rest of us!” This is the kind of pile that’s gonna go on a wage-gap rant while no one is there to listen, but also the kind of pile that cares!
The Folded But Never Got Put Away Pile
The most judgmental of the piles, this one talks to itself long, in-depth discussions behind your back.
“Ugh, you should’ve heard the things her friends said when they came over for brunch.”
“Why does she invite people to come here?”
“You know she had sex on top of us last night, right?”
“I just feel so disrespected, y’know?”
The Brand New Pile
You just bought new clothes, but it’s been years since there was a free hanger in your closet. Lucky you, there’s always a little more space to be squeezed out of the end of your bed! This new pile of clothes with the tags still on is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. It says things like, “I thought I was purchased to be worn, but I’ve been here for over a month now. Is it like a human female thing I just can’t understand because I’ve never been alive?” It’ll learn.
The To-Be-Donated Pile
You have every intention of donating these clothes to the less fortunate as soon as a Goodwill opens up in your building. Until then, this pile claims, “Doesn’t she care about me at all? Like, not even enough to throw me out? I’m a pile next to all the other piles, but with the distinction that I’m unwanted. I never knew coming home with this girl would mean I’d be stuck here in the same house for the rest of my life. Maybe someone out there wants me. Or am I not even a pile anymore? Can piles have existential crises? Because I think that’s what’s happening now.”
The Chaos Pile
It started as just a clothing pile, but there’s no knowing for sure what hides in those depths anymore: hair ties, condom wrappers, Band-Aids, maybe the Holy Grail? That’s why chaos heaps are always so pumped about you: “Isn’t she great? She feeds me snacks all the time, that’s why I keep growing in the power to overwhelm her away from cleaning me. I just love being a part of something, man!”
The Imaginary Pile
You’re the type of gal that has to make believe you have a pile to feel safe and protected at night, even if you’re neat enough to clean for a few hours a day. Great! But know that your imaginary pile says, “I’m really not trying to be a gossip, I’m just genuinely worried about her physical and emotional well-being.”
No matter what your pile says when it reanimates the second you close your door, remember to always be true to yourself, and never let your pile define you. Or just ignore it if it does.