How to Eat Pain au Chocolat Without Thinking About Getting Absolutely Railed by a French Canadian

Ahh, un petit pain au chocolat. It’s one of the finest and most delicious foods that exists, yet it’s not always convenient or practical for everyday consumption. These flaky treats can be messy, a little pricey, and cause debilitatingly intense sexual fantasies. Here’s how to rise above and eat a pain au chocolat without thinking about getting absolutely railed by a French Canadian.


Focus on the moment in front of you.

The experience of consuming a pain au chocolat should be more than sufficient to occupy your senses. Look down at its glistening golden brown exterior, tune into the buttery and chocolaty flavors that fill your mouth, but don’t think too much about the word “glistening” or the phrase “fill your mouth” lest you slip into a potent daydream about a bold French Canadian named Edouard just clearing out your inbox in some sparsely furnished Montreal apartment. Bon appétit!


Distract yourself.  

If mindfulness isn’t getting the job done, go the opposite route and bring in an outside distraction to keep the visions at bay. Crack a book or flip on the TV and fill your brain with nonsense when you know damn well the only story that can match the luxurious pleasure of pain au chocolat consumption is an unbridled fantasy of a Québécois stranger simply giving you the business until you have no idea where you are, who you are, or why you’ve ever worried about anything. So that’s what you’re going to not think about.



Wait, why would you want to?

Sorry, this one’s on us. We were so busy giving you admittedly great advice on how to not think about getting your ass handed to you (in a good way) by some French-speaking yet accessible by car Juliette that we totally forgot to ask: why would you want to? Isn’t the whole point of eating a pain au chocolat thinking about making rough yet spiritually restorative sex to a Canadian whose ancestors were French colonists and they’re just really sticking with it? Eat a scone if you want to stay dry.


If you so choose, use these tips to eat a pain au chocolat (the perfect food) without thinking about getting destroyed by a French Canadian. And if you do succeed, let us know, because you’ll be the first!