These days, many of us find ourselves toeing the line between channeling a certain flirty, sexy, blonde PR woman living it up in the big city and being a biological terrorist in the throes of a pandemic, and it can be hard to tell if you’re just a total Samantha or someone who’s unwilling to abide by public health guidelines by touching every person who will let you. It’s possible to do one without the other, but not everybody knows that! Find out where you fall on the “Samantha” or “Super Spreader” spectrum with this quiz:
You’re approached by a cutie in the street. How do you proceed?
- Kiss them on the mouth and take them back to your apartment in the Meatpacking District.
- Kiss them on the mouth, even though I’m having shortness of breath and lost my sense of taste and smell.
You’re out for drinks with somebody that you’d like to have sex with. What do you order?
- A martini with six olives. It’s gonna be a good night!
- It doesn’t matter; I can’t taste shit. As long as we’re at a crowded bar indoors, I’m good!
What’s your go-to fragrance for a special night with a not-so-special someone?
- A pheromone-infused fragrance mixed with sweat and his Gucci cologne.
- Wait, you guys can smell stuff?
You’re profusely sweating. Why?
- I’m premenopausal and fabulous.
- I have a fever. What’s your excuse?
What do you do when you’re sick?
- Make iconic quotes like “There’s two types of guys out there: the ones that hold your hand and the ones that fuck you. And the guys that fuck you aren’t worth a damn”.
- Attend large, underground raves and then go directly to church in the morning.
What are your favorite sexual positions?
- Honey, how much time have you got?
- Whatever’s easiest on the joints, I’ve got a lot of aches and pains right now, which is going to make this orgy tonight pretty difficult.
Lastly, how do you break up with your significant other?
- Say something simple yet devastating, like “I love you, but I love me more” and walk into the sunset, looking incredible.
- They broke up with me because I diarrhea’d the bed after contracting a respiratory virus when I cheated on them.
Mostly 1s: You’re a total Samantha, but you probably already knew that. You never shut up about it, but rightfully so. You’ve kept it classy over the pandemic while responsibly indulging your inner freak. Congratulations!
Mostly 2s: You should immediately seek medical attention and be tried in front of a jury of your peers. A total Samantha would never do this! Stop!!