While accessible and reusable, Diva Cups definitely take some time to get used to. But sometimes, even the most experienced users will let the diva cup slip, allowing its contents to spill out literally everywhere. Here’s how to confess to murder instead of admitting that you just spilled period blood on every surface in a 10-foot radius.
Pass off your embarrassment as panicked evidence-hiding.
Play into your rush of embarrassment and panic to sell the fact you just murdered someone. This especially works well in public restrooms, so you can performatively pretend to hide the murder evidence. Try hurriedly washing your shirt or any stained materials and looking apprehensively around you. Throw in a few tears, some under-the-breath fuck’s and goddammit’s, and speed-walk out of there holding your jacket closed over the big red splotch on your shirt. You’ll have your fellow shoppers at Target wondering who you just killed in cold blood in the bathroom!
If someone you know is nearby, tell them you just murdered someone.
This is a great way to set the story straight: This was a case of cold-blooded murder and definitely not a period blood catastrophe involving complex feats of suction. Furthermore, you now have someone implicated in said murder who might even feel obligated to help you out with cleaning! Some details you can add are asking for bleach, telling your companion that they owe you one for that time in the alleyway, and saying dramatic things like “you’re in or you’re out” or “I need you to keep it together”.
Pretend you’re lying and say it’s period blood, then run.
During the process of trying to convince passersby that you are getting rid of the evidence of a murder, you may get a few nosy onlookers. Instead of declaring to them that you killed someone, try to act like you’re obviously lying and say something like, “It’s actually, just uh, period blood. Diva cup, haha,” and maybe gesture towards your uterus like a very bad liar would do. Then looked extremely stressed and run out of the bathroom. This will ensure that it seems like you definitely are a murderer, not someone honestly owning up to the messy circumstances around menstruation.
While we hope you never have to explain why you look like a walking portrayal of Carrie because your Diva cup exploded, we hope these tips allow you to appear a little more threatening while allowing you to avoid admitting that you just had to wipe your own uterine lining off yourself. Good luck!
