Mind, body and soul are the three things yogis cherish the most – those kale-eating hot-ass jerks! Sure, you want to experience that heightened sense of self, excrete all of those toxic, negative thoughts, and make your muscles do something besides slouch over a laptop, but that shit sounds hard. Here are some starter positions you can practice that will help ease your transition from “person who doesn’t do yoga” to “person who has done yoga once.”
The Instagram Inversion
Before you start cleansing your soul, its crucial to know which side is your good side. You can do so by perfecting the Instagram Inversion. Extend your right arm with your iPhone at a 45-degree angle above your head and take a selfie. Repeat this with the left arm. From here you’ll be able to see which angle your sports bra cleavage looks the best from. Its important to build your ability to take selfies while doing yoga before you do any actual yoga, since that’s the only reason to do yoga.
The Lululemon Lotus
Its important to dress for the job you want, and the job you want is “spiritual crusader with a tight ass.” Seeing as Lululemon is the official sponsor of yoga, it’s crucial to purchase and wear their uniform. Get into Lululemon Lotus position by putting on some expensive LL duds and wearing them around town. You know you’ve mastered the position once a close family or friend sees you in your new wardrobe and comments on how calm and centered you look. Once people think you do yoga, it’ll be a lot easier to actually do yoga.
The Fart Clench Cobra
Every yoga enthusiast knows yoga involves full, deep breaths. Unfortunately, with deep breathing comes deep farting. Its important to master the Fart Clench Cobra before attending your first yoga class as to not violate everyone’s aura. As you lay on your stomach, calmly take your left butt cheek and your right butt cheek and clench them together. Repeat at least 300 times a day to ensure maximum results.
The Poker Face Plank
It’s important in yoga to always remain calm. However, when your teacher introduces a new move that your center of gravity is not yet accustomed to, it can make your face show signs of panic. It’s crucial that you master the Poker Face Plank in order to not nuclear bomb the chi in the room. To master this position, simply turn on an episode of Jerry Springer and stare blankly at the screen. Don’t let your face move a muscle. As you forget about all of your worries and fears, let the sound of battling rednecks wash over you and your facial muscles melt towards the ground. This maneuver is also useful when you get a whiff of everyone’s feet.
The Tip Toe Exit Extension
Sometimes in the middle of yoga class, nature will call, and you’ll need to answer it without disturbing everyone’s spiritual journey. Slowly place one foot in front the other, treading only on the balls of your feet. While doing so, flick your wrists up and flounce a small amount to ensure everyone is aware of your caution. This move will come in handy during your first (and only) yoga class.
Hopefully these tips and positions will help you become, or at least look like, a usual yoga practitioner. Your spiritual journey to a higher self is waiting for you.