Wedding season is upon us, and you are probably spending hours sifting through Sinatra lyrics and reinterpreting Shakespeare to find the right thing to say at your best friend’s wedding. It doesn’t have to be so hard, because we have compiled six wedding toast ideas that are guaranteed to destroy your friendship with the bride:
1. The “Congratulations on Marrying Your Gay Best Friend” Toast
This toast starts off sweetly enough. You begin with how much the bride loves her new spouse, and how they are “each other’s best friend”, and then you dig into how “great” it is that they were able to save themselves for marriage, “at least with each other,” and how “really cool” it is that they still live with Jared’s “roommate,” and how “evolved” they are for getting past that whole “Grindr incident.” Close the speech with a heartfelt “may you both live forever with the man of your dreams.”
2. The “Remember When You Shit on That Guy’s Chest for $35 and a Bottle of Goldschlager?” Toast
Everyone loves to reminisce, but if you really want to leave your friendship with the bride in shambles, tell the one story that will ensure that bitch will never be calling you back. Make sure to make eye contact with her father at least once while you tell it; that is, if you can find his eyes through the tears of shame and disappointment.
3. The “Congratulations on Marrying Your First Rebound After Your Ex Left You Emotionally Devastated” Toast
This toast should begin with a quote about how love heals all wounds, but with a scathingly ironic delivery and lots of arm gestures. Then launch into a detailed retelling of the entire detailed saga, including the one-month period in which she refused to wash her underpants because “they were the last thing Christian touched before he ran off with that slut.” Follow this up by musing upon how “miraculous” it was that Brad came into her life just two weeks after she started washing her underwear again.
4. The Scorched-Earth Toast
This is less of a toast, and more of a Powerpoint presentation outlining all the ways in which your best friend’s wedding is destroying the earth and contributing the approach of human extinction. Be sure to include several video clips of polar bears floating helplessly on tiny blocks of ice. At the end of your speech, if you really want to go for the gold, you can pour a bucket of synthetic pig’s blood on the bride and scream, “SEAL MURDERERS! YOU BOTH ARE SEAL MURDERERS!”
5. For Gay Weddings Only: “This is Really Just a Civil Union” Gloating Speech
This one is a special treat for your soon-to-be former gay bestie: If you’re feeling bitter or jealous of his or her new domestic partnership, the wedding toast is a good chance to remind them that their marriage is not equal to the marriage you may potentially one day have, at least not in terms of hospital visitation rights and God.
When you’ve just about had enough of supporting your friend through the “most important” day of her life, put the nail in the coffin and end things with these classically destructive wedding toasts.