Wedding Ideas for the Alternative Bride (In Case the Primary Bride Dies)

Toilet Paper Bride - Reductress

As an alternative bride with alternative tastes, you tend to steer clear of anything stuffy, traditional, or too distracting in your role as backup for the primary bride in case she dies. Your job is to be ready for your special day in the event of the main bride’s untimely death, not to mention flaunting your unique personality! And those traditional brides, while easily kidnappable, can be a little boring—so here are some ways to own your day as an alternative bride (quietly, off to the side, unless you are called to duty). Just because you’re part of an outdated contractual obligation doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time!


The Dress

No matter what the stuffy saleswoman tells you, anything you wear on the day of the wedding is a wedding dress. So ditch the white lace—especially since many members of her family prefer to keep you a secret, so it’s actually better if you choose not to wear white. Being an alternative bride who steps in if/when tragedy strikes means that there will be a lot of crying if you do end up tying the knot today. Fabrics and patterns that hide tears (like princess-y chiffon) are a beautiful and practical choice. But remember: The only rule when choosing a dress for your possible (God forbid) wedding is that there are no rules!


The Decor

As you probably have limited time to make this wedding your own after the primary bride succumbs to a mysterious heart malfunction, your best option is pointing to each piece of the recently deceased bride’s decor and telling everyone whether you would have picked it or not. On the bright side, this is way less expensive than planning your own traditional wedding! How thrifty and unique of you!



The Wedding Party

You may be required to befriend the bridesmaids and groomsmen as you step into the original bride’s life, so be extra friendly! To better emulate her relationships, decide ahead of time how you can make the maid of honor your best friend and which of the groomsmen you will secretly wish you’d married instead. It’s also nice to get everyone small favors for being a part of the wedding party, like a tiny jar of almonds! The primary bride loved almonds, plus they’re not a traditional wedding favor, and you like to walk to the beat of your own drum.


Conflict With The Primary Bride

As sad as it is, arguments may arise after the bride curiously asphyxiates on an almond. Prepare to hear things like, “You hollow robot monster, how could he love you like he loves me? Why are you even here?” Being nervous on your wedding day is totally normal, as you can gently explain, and kidnappings are on the rise. If she is still upset, offer her something nice, like more almonds! She loves almonds!


Remember, if you become the bride, this day is all about YOU (if the most unfortunate of circumstances arises)! The details can be fun, but make sure you remember to enjoy yourself and disappear quietly if the bride lives through the ceremony.