‘We Are All Britney,’ Says Friend Who Isn’t Talented

In an attempt to raise awareness about Britney Spears’ ongoing conservatorship battle with her father, 37-year-old Christopher Willis-Hoyne exclaimed, “We are all Britney!” in an Instagram story this week.


Christopher, who isn’t talented at all, feels a special kinship with the extremely talented multihyphenate he adored in his youth.


“All of us – every single one of us – is just as beautiful, talented, and VULNERABLE as Britney,” said Christopher, who never got a solo in high school chorus, no matter how hard he tried. “So we should protect her the way that we would protect ourselves.”


Christopher, who is pursuing an acting career despite having no natural acting ability, feels an intrinsic connection to Britney’s story, despite having never been a child performer, even though he really wanted to.


“It’s just not fair how she’s being treated,” says Christopher, who has been mocked at several karaoke nights around Boystown in Chicago. “If we let her remain trapped in this bubble, then we, as a society, will remain trapped.”


Several friends agree that Christopher lacks any kind of artistic talent, although he is very good at being angry online.


“We had to cut him out of our pod because he was constantly ‘performing’ for entire long weekends,” says one friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. “But we’re really proud that he’s developing his talent of being kind of loud and self-righteous on Instagram. Good for him, I guess.”


At press time, Christopher’s vocal coach was telling him that “there’s literally nothing I can do for you, sorry”.