35-year-old millennial and absolute sadist Erica Ali is quietly counting the days until the moment teenagers will have to experience the horrors of a new low-rise jeans trend.
“I understand how the cycles of fashion work now,” says Erica, tapping her fingers together maniacally. “And it’s only a matter of time before teens will be forced to shave the top of their pubes and buy thick-banded underwear just to survive the tyranny of low-rise jeans.”
“You could say this is my villain origin story,” cackled Erica as she spoke to us from a dark corner of the room. “Now I am just like this all the time!”
Erica, who lives in a dark and terrible dungeon where she works from home as a permalance marketing professional, believes this generation needs to be taken down a peg with a difficult-to-maintain fashion trend that is impossible to pull off on most body types.
“I had to suffer through this for years, and I can’t wait until those little Tiktok monsters have to as well,” she added. “Then they will know what it feels like to have a tall butt crack when the world demands you toss aside your practical and flattering high-rise jeans.”
After being mildly cajoled online for wearing skinny jeans, Erica now wishes the absolute maximum form of punishment on this group – flared jeans that are tight in the thigh, but only barely cover the top of your labia.
“Soon, their time will come,” she whispered from the dark corner of her room. “Soon.”