There’s no denying eccentric yet handsome 68-year-old actor Jeff Goldblum is beloved by many. From his charming stammers to his funky glasses, he’s deeply appealing to huge numbers of people. And I also love Jeff Goldblum, but the way I love him is sort of just totally unique and different, actually.
From his sexy turn in Jurassic Park to his sexy-in-a-different-way star making performance in The Fly, Jeff Goldblum is basically Steve Buscemi if Steve Buscemi was objectively hot as fuck. So yes everyone loves Jeff Goldblum’s iconic style and elegant nose, but does EVERYONE know how incredible his recurring Portlandia cameos are? I mean, he was made to be in that show. Who could better fit its sensibility? Oh, you’ve seen it and you agree? Well yeah. Obviously. That’s small potatoes.
When I see some meme or popular Instagram account appreciation post for Jeff Goldblum, it makes me groan. It’s just like, some people’s “fandom” engages with Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum on such a superficial level. Do these people even listen to his jazz band, Jeffrey Goldblum & The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra? I mean, neither do I, why would I want to listen to a famous old white dude’s jazz band? But still, I’m aware of it, I love him, and it is a unique thing about me.
It’s not infrequent that Jeff Goldblum will come up in conversation, and someone will remark, “I love him”. This makes my blood absolutely boil. Some people may ask, “Why can’t you just say, ‘Oh, me too’?” Well I’ll tell you why not – I don’t love Jeff Goldblum “”too”” I love him primarily, with zero degrees of separation. I basically invented feeling this way. Everyone else loves him “too”, and why, even? Probably because they’re a bunch of sheep easily charmed by his zany antics, strong chin, and ability to pull off a bowler hat. And what separates me from the flock? Well for one thing, I live inside my brain.
The way I love Jeff Goldblum is at once more urgent and more chill than the way other people love him. I’m not a weirdo “fan”. I don’t know that much about him. I just love him. I think if we grabbed coffee we’d really connect in an organic way.
So please, don’t try to connect to me over our “shared” love of Jeff Goldblum, and also don’t think I’m desperate to distinguish my taste profile as unique from other people who are similar to me because otherwise I will fall into an existential despair. Oh, you know who I really love? Bill Murray!