Why I Stopped Working and Started a Pickpocket Gang for Wayward Children

In our modern grind-culture, there’s such a disproportionate emphasis placed on work. I was rising the ranks at a medium sized tech company when I realized that I didn’t really enjoy what I was doing for 50 hours a week, and that I didn’t want my identity to hinge on careerism. That’s why I decided to stop working and start a pickpocket gang for wayward children who roam the streets looking for wallets.


I’ve never felt more alive!


Before I made the switch to running my crew of juvenile thieves full-time, it was like I was living to work. But now my “work” is such a natural and enjoyable part of my life, it hardly feels like a job. A lot of people would say it isn’t a job; it’s you exploiting waifs into a life of crime for your own benefit, and I understand that position, but like most things in life, the reality is a lot more nuanced. I don’t make those urchins steal, I just teach them how to do it, and they have to do it.


Late-stage capitalism has such an ideological hold on our brains that we feel guilty for not being productive; we work late hours and refuse our own paid time off! At least that’s what I was doing, but now that I run this pickpocket gang of gritty orphans and street children, I’ve completely unlearned all of that toxicity. I don’t even have hours! I mostly just hang at home, read Sally Rooney, chill, then when the ragamuffins get home I yell at them for a little while just to keep them motivated, and that’s pretty much a day in my life. Bet that doesn’t too bad, my professional friends, now does it?



Also, with everything off the books, I don’t have to worry about annoying red tape like “I9s” or “health insurance” or “child labor laws”. Actually, I wish I did, because I could probably get a huge charity write-off on all this given that I feed and house these fuckers and they keep just coming back to me with handkerchiefs. Like seriously, what is with all the handkerchiefs? Bring me some AirPods, bring me a watch. What am I supposed to do with all this cloth? Ugh, they suck sometimes, but still, it’s better than my office job.


We create our own realities, so dream your dream, then make it happen. I know I did with my pickpocket crew of ne’er-do-well imps, and those kids are like family to me. Ha! Just kidding; they have no family. Anyway, here’s to alternative paths and creating a life you can be proud of. Now I’m off to beat some orphan’s ass.