In a striking piece of financial news out of New York, NY, Kaya Weber’s net worth has taken a steep turn for the worse after adding avocado to her meal.
“I was nervous when my friend recommended this trendy Australian brunch spot,” Kaya says. “But I really didn’t know what I was getting into. I asked the server if I could swap bacon for avocado, and he said there’d be a charge. I should have asked more questions.”
The half-avocado Kaya added to her breakfast plate has reduced her owned assets by 17% in a turn that will be difficult to recover from this or any quarter.
“It’s hard knowing that I broke the bank just to hear my rich friend Lindsey complain about her pregnant cousin’s drama,” Kaya says. “I mean, the drama was good, but in hindsight, we should have done it at a coffee shop where I could have just ordered a water.”
The annihilation of Kaya’s net worth has sent shockwaves throughout her local market.
“This is bad,” says a friend and econ major, Lillian Wang. “This dip makes Kaya look really shaky to investors, by which I mean friends who may order a Lyft with her based on the assumption that she’ll repay them for half.”
“Of course, Kaya’s friends with generational wealth could just pay for things like that without expecting to be paid back because it’s an insubstantial cost to them and a major one to Kaya,” Lillian adds. “But we all met at NYU, so that’s just not really how it goes.”
Despite experts’ bleak outlook, Kaya is putting on a brave face through her financial ruin.
“I remain optimistic that my earning potential will make up for this hit down the line,” says Kaya, wrongly. “I mean, with my debt, my net worth was already solidly in the red. Now after the avocado it’s, like, a brighter, sort of strobing red.”
“But who knows?” Kaya adds. “Maybe climate crisis or an end of Fight Club situation will render my net worth meaningless before long. I mean that thing they do with the banks when the Pixies song plays, not finding out I’m having a psychotic break. If I were having a psychotic break, would I still have to make my student loan payments?”
Yes!
