Sober Kesha Promises She’s Still A Fun Sloppy Mess

Despite a recent stint in rehab and the removal of the ‘$’ styling from her name, pop singer Kesha is determined to prove that she is still the fun, carefree hot mess she always was, with or without the substance abuse.


“I’m still gonna be pulling out my titties and making out with old fat bikers,” Kesha explained at a press conference. “I’m just going to be making my decisions with a much clearer head.”


Previewing a snippet of her upcoming single, “You Got A Weird Dick,” Kesha spoke clearly and intelligently to a room of journalists, all with questions about her sobriety.


“I don’t miss Jack Daniels. I’m very much into orange soda right now,” said the star before belching loudly.


“I light my hair on fire sometimes! But I’m in control of that,” Kesha added solemnly. “I’ve learned a lot about control.”



While many don’t see a place in the mainstream for a reformed Kesha, who made her fame almost entirely off her drunken party girl image, the singer swears her best work is ahead of her.


“I’m doing a track with Pitbull called “My Boobiezz Itch” about when you’re jogging and get sweaty and then your boobies itch. I’m doing a summer anthem with Kid Rock called “We Fucked”, because we fucked.”


“I wrote this shit 100% stone-cold sober…” she trailed off, her eyes filling with tears. “I am so happy I could take a shit in public right now and still remember it tomorrow.”