CDC Shortens COVID Isolation Guidelines to One Pump Up Song on Way to Work

In breaking news, the CDC has shortened the isolation period for contracting COVID-19 from ten days, to five days, to now just one pump up song of your choosing while on your way to work.


Many representatives from the CDC have confirmed that this is definitely enough time to get over an extremely contagious and potentially life-altering disease.


Luckily, we were able to ask Dr. Stephen Klein, Chief Medical Officer at the CDC, about how the organization came to the decision to shorten the isolation period to however long the commute on the way to your job is.


“When we made the first isolation guideline, we were concerned about the spread of COVID amongst the general population,” Dr. Klein told us. “But this time, we just wanted people to take a chill pill. I mean, c’mon, COVID isn’t that bad.”


When asked about whether or not the decision came after they received pressure from heads of large companies urging them to change the guidelines for the sake of their own profit, Klein seemed a little less willing to speak candidly.


“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Dr. Klein told us. “I don’t even know what Delta Airlines is!”


The CDC has also fortunately released guidelines for the best pump up songs to listen to. The list, titled “COVID-free Bops”, includes songs like: “Levitating” by Dua Lipa, “212” by Azealia Banks, “Pound The Alarm” by Nicki Minaj, and many other CDC-approved hits.



“Obviously everyone should still be getting tested after being exposed and when they start to have symptoms,” Klein added. “But if you don’t really feel like it, then we can’t argue with that. After all, work should always come first.”


According to the CDC, it looks like the best way to eradicate COVID-19 worldwide is to just work right through it! Now, who wants to listen to some Dua Lipa?!