Finding a hairstyle that truly suits your face shape, hair texture, and personality is always tough, but it certainly doesn’t help when you have an unmanageable tangle of snakes on your head! While the rest of your friends toss their effortless, glossy locks over their shoulders, you’re stuck sulking in front of the mirror, trying to wrangle that nest of unruly serpents. Never fear—there’s a flattering look for everyone, and you, too, can find yours! We’ve rounded up some trendy styles selected specifically to suit your wild, serpentine locks.
Topknot
Nothing says high fashion like a jaunty, casual-on-purpose topknot. And nothing get’s the writhing, ravenous snakes out of your face like a secure hair elastic. To achieve this look, simply sweep your snakes up into a high pony and twist them into a haphazard knot on the crown of your head. Don’t worry—it’s supposed to look messy! As an added bonus, knotting your snakes’ bodies will likely lull them into a slight stupor from oxygen deprivation, so they will be partially sedated and therefore less likely to lash out if your date leans in for a kiss!
Faux Bangs
How many times after a bad breakup have you wanted to be like all your other friends and cut yourself a set of nice, blunt bangs? If you’ve lusted after this style but knew you couldn’t do it without severing your snakes’ heads (which bleed profusely and take FOREVER to grow back), try this temporary trick. Simply pull several strands of snakes in front of your face. Then, tuck their bodies under so their snake heads are dangling right above your eyebrows. Fasten with barbed wire and cover with a flirty headband or scarf. Take that, Zooey Deschanel!
Feathers
Remember a couple of years ago when everyone was clamping tiny feathers into their hair? Did you think you missed your chance because your hair isn’t thin and clippable, but instead made of thick, living snakes? Think again. Make some adorable feather collars for your snakes using basic craft supplies for a boho-chic throwback that no one will be able to resist, not even your snakes! (Snakes eat birds and they will definitely eat the feathers, so make sure to snap a selfie quick!)
French Braid
It’s a common misconception you’re sick of hearing: “You’re so lucky; your hair must be so easy to braid!” Wrong. Snakes are spiteful, finicky monsters! That is, until you master our favorite quick fix: a moderate tap to their skulls with a standard size hammer. When done correctly, this will concuss your serpents, or at least stun them temporarily. Hurry and braid them tightly, securing with a combination of fishing line and duct tape, and you too can pull off this timeless, classic look.
Ombré
Slap on your best smock and pick up some Acrylic paint, because it’s time for you to finally embrace the ombré look! Using the hammer sedation technique described above, concuss your slithery little friends and dunk them head first into the paint. This is where you can really get creative. Go with a subtle, grey-green ombré for a natural look, or go wild with blues and purples! It’s totally up to you. And the best thing is, if you hate it, you just have to wait for your snakes to shed their skins, and you’ll be right back to your natural color: snake!
Go Natural
If none of these looks seem up your alley, maybe it’s time to go all natural! Old-school beauty standards and all of your recent romantic conquests may say that your cloud of floating, hissing serpent heads is “horrifying”, “an actual nightmare”, and “a medical anomaly that should be studied”, but fuck that! Your snakes are what makes you, well, you. You are a natural badass and should revel in others’ terror! They wouldn’t know style if it bit them in the face—and it just did! Whoops.
Now you have some excellent options to make the most of your amazing hair. No one will be able to keep their eyes off your snakes, which is normal for you, but this time they will be looks of jealousy!
