You are in no way wealthy or sophisticated enough to afford this aerial hot yoga class, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to work up a sweat! Here’s how to look good in these trendy sports bras while also letting everyone in class know you definitely don’t belong here.
Incredible Strappy Back Sports Bra (Victoria’s Secret, $58.50)
Nothing says, “I am living well beyond my means” quite like dropping $60 on something that’s going to get soaked in your boob sweat. This super-cute bra shows that you care as much about looking sexy as you do about physical fitness—and that you are an off-the-rack imposter in a sea of stay-at-home-MILFs.
Top Notch Sports Bra in Slate (Spanx, $39.99)
Wearing a Spanx-brand bra to that next Vinyasa class ensures two things: maximum underboob containment and that you will be quickly outed as an imposter. This gray bra is like a neon sign that flashes, “I paid for this class with a Groupon!” On the plus side, the fuller coverage promises to keep your lady lumps out of your face during that down-dog you’re visibly struggling to maintain!
Ta-Ta Tamer in Atomic Red (Lululemon, $58)
The ultimate in lady status symbols, wearing Lululemon lets the world know that you are willing to drop serious change on a piece of clothing that nobody will even see just to fit in here. Jumping on the Lululemon bandwagon is sure to communicate to the whole class that you deserve to be shunned. While your ta-tas will look like those of an urban, waspy housewife with money to burn, your yoga pants by Champion for Target will show that you are actually a penny-pincher posing as a WASP. Plus, the bright color gives you away as a sale shopper. Ew!
Xersion Seamless Convertible in Canary Yellow (JC Penny, $9.99)
This adorbable bra from JC Penny is a great accent piece to telegraph that you’re only taking a Bikram class at 2 PM on a Wednesday because you’re unemployed and not because you’re a kept woman. Make sure to talk loudly about how “Xersion is the new Hanes” until everyone knows you don’t have any disposable income to speak of.
Your Old Sports Bra from High School—(Vintage, Price Unknown)
Where did you buy this, Aeropostale? The Kohl’s juniors section? A Steve & Barry’s going-out-of-business sale? There’s no way of knowing, because a decade’s worth of adolescent sweat has obscured the printed label. The next time you try to sneak into a yoga class that’s above your social status and pay grade, give this bra some action and let the world know that you crushed it on the JV track team.
Rock one of these gorgeous sports bras the next time you hit that midday yoga class. If the fact that your yoga mat is covered in cat hair doesn’t out you as a fraud, your plebian booby attire definitely will!
