The 20th season of ABC’s hit reality dating show The Bachelor premiered on January 4, pitting 28 attractive women against one another as they compete to find love with Denver-based heartthrob Ben Higgins. As always, I find myself watching this ridiculous atrocity in anger and disbelief, instead of changing the channel or doing literally anything else.
I mean seriously, what kind of woman who would put herself up to this sort of humiliation? How miserable do they have to be to desperately seek attention and approval on a public medium? What grown woman wastes her time begging someone to like them? What’s the point in cattily criticizing other women behind their backs? I honestly can’t even imagine. But it all goes to show that the women on The Bachelor are totally pathetic—unlike me, a person who is analyzing a group of strangers on a reality TV show that I am under no obligation to watch.
As a woman, it’s so painful to watch these young women parade around competing for the attention of one man, especially when so many opportunities await them in the world. For example, instead of acting on their own free will, they could be spending hours bitterly watching TV and dissecting the questionable actions and flawed personality traits of people whom they will never meet. But no, they choose to go on some ridiculous show with the earnest hope of having the ultimate human experience of compassionate love. It’s so sad. Anyway, I thought I’d use my limited time on earth to provide a detailed analysis of the different types of women found on The Bachelor and explain how they’re all totally pitiful (unlike me):
The Drama Queen
There’s always that one girl who loves to stir up drama and get all up in everyone’s business. This season, for example, Amber gathered a group of other contestants together to basically ambush Jubilee, who had just had a successful one-on-one date with Ben. I think it was really pathetic of Amber to pull this middle-school bully move. Hasn’t she ever heard of the expression, “Live and let live”? Nothing is worse than shitting on other women, like that dirtbag ho did.
The Single Mom
This season, Amanda, a single mom to two daughters, stresses out during one of the first cocktail parties because she has to tell Ben that she has kids from a previous relationship. My question is, what will her kids think of her when they grow up and realize that their mother abandoned them just to have a little short-term adventure? They’re going to be so ashamed, unlike my kids, who I know are very proud to have a mother who writes scathing critiques of 25-year-olds she sees on TV.
The Crazy One
Toot, toot! Here comes the trainwreck! At least that’s what I say about the craziest women on The Bachelor. They’re on national television; what’s their excuse for being so wild (besides being plied with alcohol, forced to live in a house with more than 20 other women, and prohibited from contacting their family and friends or reading books or the news for six weeks)? Drunken confessions about not loving oneself, crying fits about missing their young children, sulking alone because you’re a war veteran and don’t relate to anyone else—you name it. You’d almost think the extreme conditions of filming this reality show could aggravate some underlying emotional issues, or that the show was professionally edited to be more dramatic or something. But I don’t think that; I have never been caught in a vulnerable moment because I hide my emotions behind a wall of criticism.
Each episode of The Bachelor that no one is forcing me to watch leaves me more in awe of how pathetic the contestants are than the last. It’s like, why are these women getting so worked up? Can’t they see that the show isn’t real? All the name-calling, pettiness, and attention-seeking are basically crimes against feminism, and personally, I would never do something like that. It’s just not fair to other women. But the contestants on The Bachelor are holding women back, unlike me and this entire piece.