In a deeply concerning story out of Reno, NV, first-year law associate Maya Wilkins has declared, “Fuck it, we ride,” even though she should probably weigh the pros and cons of riding first.
Sources confirm that tomorrow is Wilkins’ first day of work, so—all things considered—she should probably not ride. Upon being informed of this information, however, Wilkins reportedly yelled, “WE RIIIIIIIDE” even louder.
According to recent statistics out of the University of Reno, 70% of Wilkins’ riding has been proven to “come back to bite her in the ass,” while 100% of it has resulted in post-ride regret.
This will almost certainly be the case when she arrives to her first day hungover with joint pain from falling off a nightclub table.
The study concluded that this decision would have major ramifications for Wilkins’ career, but upon being informed of these results, Wilkins replied, “Shut up, fuckers, we’re riding!!” and shotgunned a beer so fast the fizz went up her nose.
“She’s been taking a ‘Fuck it, we ride,’ mentality to a slew of major life decisions,” said Wilkins’ mother, Kerry. “Including, but not limited to, whether she should move to New York and whether she should have lasagna for lunch despite being lactose intolerant.”
Upon being asked if she would ever settle down and have kids, Maya said, “Hmmm, when the time comes and I meet the right person, I suppose I could say, ‘Fuck it, we ride,’ yes.”
“This is the exact type of thought process we like to see in our associates,” said Wilkins’ boss, Gregory Fineman JD. “There comes a time in every lawyer’s life when they must ask themselves: Will I turn from the visage of adversity, afraid of what may lurk in the shadows? Or fuck it, will I ride?”
At press time, Wilkins’ friend asked if she wanted to take an Uber home from the club in order to get a few more minutes of sleep, to which Wilkins responded, “No, that’s actually ridiculous.”