When yoga, breathing exercises or hypnotherapy sessions fail to put your mind at ease, what’s the next step toward reaching inner peace? Murdering. Unlike exercise or meditation, murdering has the power to immediately eliminate your stressors for instant gratification. Unfortunately, free-form murdering has its consequences and hasn’t yet been proven as a legitimate treatment against depression and anxiety. It’s also illegal and generally frowned upon, but just because something is frowned upon doesn’t mean it’s not effective! It is. Here are some pros and cons to consider should you decide to take up murdering.*
Pro: Immediate satisfaction.
Instead of learning to live with the sound your son makes when he eats his cereal, you can simply murder your son! Really take care of him by poisoning his next bowl. Feel the waves of euphoria swoop over you as you watch him slurp his last corn flake. Being free of your parental burdens feels instantly blissful.
Con: Covering your tracks is kind of a hassle.
As noted earlier, murdering anyone is illegal. Murdering your own son has a certain kind of stigma, so covering your tracks will be a ‘whole thing.’ It’ll require a lot of cleanup and false mourning, which in itself is stressful and may lead to more murdering.
Pro: Better quality sleep.
Your roommate’s snoring is so loud and annoying, you’re already fantasizing about killing her! Make your dreams come true by ending hers. Sit on her head and watch her fall into the deepest, permanent slumber. Without your roommate around, you’ll finally get the eight hours you’ve been longing for. “Goodnight,” Stephanie.
Con: You still have to make rent.
Unfortunately, killing off your roommate means you’re short half of the month’s rent, now. You’ll have to get a second job or find another roommate. Again, this could potentially exacerbate your stress level and lead to more murdering.
Pro: Show improvement at work.
There’s a position opening up at the office that you’d be perfect for, but you’ve got competition. You could work as hard as you can to earn that position, but who wants to work hard? An easier solution is to eliminate your competition. Guess who’s getting the promotion? Not Carl. Not Susan.
Con: There are none.
Carl and Susan really kept to themselves so people didn’t ask too many questions when they disappeared. Nothing beats moving up the ranks with zero effort. Enjoy that sweet, disposable income. Yay!
Murdering may be the simplest way to craft the life you’ve always wanted, but it’s important to remember that it cannot solve every problem. But it can solve most of them. Happy murdering!
*[Editor’s note: While we at Reductress do not endorse murdering, we are forced to respect the opinions of the author.]