5 Big Words to Hide Your Soft Brain

There’s a point in every dum-dum’s life when it’s time to smarten up. All the years you’ve spent not reading has left your brain mushy and soft, like a baby’s bottom. Sweet softy-brains, you might be “thinking” to yourself, “I can undo that damage.” Spare yourself the endless toil and just focus on sounding smart. Here are five “big words” to disguise your adorable Jell-O mold of a brain:


1. Plebian – Latin for the word “poor,” plebian is defined as ‘common’ and ‘without fortune.’ It generally refers to someone with less money than you. This is a great ‘big’ word because it makes you sound more important than whatever you’re referring to you, as though you have a firm, richly oxygenated brain. When texting your friend you might say, “Just saw sum1 pumping gas lol…what a plebian.”


2. Carpe diem – comes from the Spanish word “carpet.” Feel free to use this when giving compliments on a friend’s new carpet when you want them to think your brain is a robust, functioning organ rather than a squishy, decaying sponge. Comment: “That’s a gorgeous carpe diem you’ve got there.”


3. Usurious – used to describe someone who is contemplative (like you are with that big, sturdy brain). For example:

Sally: “I’m pregnant.”

Suzy:  “Usurious?”



4. Uncouth – rhymes with “aloof.” These words are synonymous. Anyone with solid brain matter knows that rhyming words have the same meaning. Try: “She was dressed very tastefully, but remained cold, distant and uncouth at the banquet.”


5. Opine – pronounced “oh-peene,” and means “to open.” Use this any time something needs to be opened and you want people to think your brain is fit and strong. Say, “Those blinds should be opine.”


So, sweet mushy-gushy soft-heads, using some of these sophisticated words will no doubt improve your image. No one will be thinking, Soft brain, warm heart when you drop “usurious” into the conversation. Your peers and co-workers will be taken aback with respect for your hardy head-stuff the next time you compliment their carpet.