I used to think that fairytale marriages weren’t real. But now I throw words like “blessed” and “perfect” around constantly, so things are different now. You see, my husband and I live in pure, uninterrupted bliss, because he is perfect. Now that I think about it, there are only 19 little things I would want to change about him.
1. His face.
He’s the total package except above the shoulders, and that’s good enough for me. His asymmetrical features are almost even growing on me.
2. The way he has to correct me all the time, even though I let his bullshit slide constantly.
The fact that I texted him “your” instead of “you’re” is apparently worse than the years of his misplaced prepositions through which I’ve silently suffered. It’s the little things that really start to get on your nerves.
3. He smells weird.
I thought that living with him might inoculate me to the trace of BO that lingers in the air wherever he goes; it hasn’t, but he’s still my guy!
4. He slept with our friend Sarah, I think.
Listen, I’m not totally sure he slept with our mutual friend Sarah, whom I caught leaving the house when I arrived home early from a business trip. He certainly said he didn’t, so this might not even be a real issue.
5. He doesn’t take care of the dogs.
Even the most perfect of marriages are plagued by one partner’s total negligence of tasks they’d mutually agreed to share.
6. He hasn’t gone down on me since our wedding night.
I wasn’t aware that he was using oral sex to make sure I’d stay with him until we were legally bound together, but here I am, blissfully married!
7. He doesn’t want kids.
Sometimes life partners have to agree to disagree.
8. He opens up more to his coworkers than me.
What does Jim from accounting have that makes him a better confidant and friend than I am? Not a wedding ring, that’s for sure!
9. He’s a “feminist” who “doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher”.
It’s SO GREAT that my husband identifies is a feminist, which is why I mention it so often, but I think that if I need to learn how to change his tires for gender equality, he could figure out how to use the dishwasher, washing machine, and iron. I keep telling him that they’re technically machines, but to no avail. Oh well!
10. He wears these weird sweaters.
Whatever the fuck he was thinking buying that mustard and maroon sweater, it’s such a little thing that it doesn’t bother me at all—except for when it does!!!
11. He can turn on the charm for everyone else.
Wouldn’t it be nice if the engaging way he interacts with strangers in social settings could sometimes make an appearance when it’s just the two of us? But cocktail parties last a few hours; marriage lasts a lifetime.
12. He can be the worst. Just the worst.
I love my husband so much, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes think that he might be the worst person in the world. Marriage is complicated!
13. I’m pretty sure he keeps a portion of his income in a secret account.
How else could he have afforded that boat? Love works in mysterious ways.
14. He licks his lips constantly and it makes those around him nervous.
His habit of licking his lips in rapid succession when talking to someone sometimes makes me wonder if he’s a total creep, so I can only imagine how strangers feel. Once I get up the courage to tell him about it, this will be a total non-issue!
15. He forgot my birthday.
It was a rough week or so, but what’s a week in comparison to eternity?
16. He snores.
I wish that his disgusting sleep grunts didn’t force me to sleep on a different floor of his house, since I’d ideally want to spend every second awake and asleep as close to him as possible. That’s how much I love him.
17. He texts other people while I’m talking to him.
It’s totally stupid and irrational, but sometimes when he starts typing on his phone while I’m telling a story, it makes me feel like I’m not a priority.
18. He refuses to see a marriage counselor.
Oh well. Who knows? Maybe someday he’ll change his mind about this happiness-saving, very doable thing. That’s the beauty of a lifelong bond!
19. His favorite movie is Shutter Island.
I did not care for this movie.
Don’t worry; I’m actually positive that you’ll one day find yourself in the kind of relationship that my husband and I have. Maybe even happier! Constant, unadulterated, loudly professed bliss isn’t always easy, but believe me when I say it’s worth the constant aggravation! Good luck!