My Boyfriend Is Perfect, Except for His Inverted Ass

Jake is truly the perfect guy. Hes got great bone structure, he makes me laugh, and he my friends all love him. Hes really quite a catch, and I’m crazy about him except for one thing: His ass cheeks are cupped in the absolute wrong direction.


Sure, it’s strange, but if you see a good thing, don’t question it! Even if that good thing has an inverted ass.


Even on our first date, I felt like we had known each other our entire lives. We have a creepy amount in common. It seems so uncanny that he would love medium-sized dogs, be very into corduroy pants, and hate the smell of cherry Chapstick, just like I do! I didn’t expect any of that, and I also fully did not expect him to have what is essentially an inside-out ass, which makes buying pants kind of discomfiting for the both of us.


But my absolute favorite part about Jake is how well he gets along with my family. It’s so important to me, and I know it means he really cares about our future together. Last week my sister told me she thinks hes the best guy Ive ever dated! My family loves him, even though my grandma offhandedly mentioned that hes got an ass “like two empty bowls” and keeps telling him to “go to a doctor.”


Jake also takes the initiative on planning amazing dates, which makes me feel so special. Last weekend we did couples yoga, had a delicious lunch, and went for a romantic stroll. Although this weekend, I made reservations at a brunch place that has bottomless mimosas brunch, and he was a little offended by that. Also it’s very painful for him to sit for that long, so we left right after we ate to go ice his numb, inverted ass.



Truly though, theres nothing I love more than spending time with Jake. The other day we had a picnic in the park together, laid on a blanket, and shared our hopes for the future. I found myself getting lost in his eyes, and when I wasn’t paying attention, my phone somehow got itself lost in the abyss of his ass. It appears as though his ass has its own sort of gravity, sucking in small objects wherever it goes. It honestly took awhile to fish it out, and it kind of ruined the afternoon.


At the end of the day, I do feel lucky to have Jake. Hes a great guy and an even better boyfriend. Sometimes late at night, when we’re snuggling and I’m the big spoon, and he pushes the void of his rear-end into me and I’m forced to wake him up so that we can manually break the vacuum seal his cavernous ass-area has formed over my pubic bone, and when we finally do, it rips all of my pubes clean out and I start to cry out of the searing pain I’m experiencing, he rolls over and holds me and kisses me on the forehead. And that’s what makes him amazing, and that’s what makes him worth it.  I can’t wait to see where our relationship goes!