First off, I want to start by saying I am truly happy to be in a relationship. After spending many years being single and experiencing the roller coaster of emotions it brings—from Beyoncé-level empowerment, to cycling around the five stages of grief, to just giving up and buying a man pillow—it is wonderful to have finally met a man who loves me as much as he loves telling others he loves himself. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now and I’ve gotten to learn so much about him. He’s sexy, #flawless, woke AF—and whatever else is on his Twitter feed. And that’s the problem: He’s a serial compliment-retweeter and I have no idea what to do about it.
Why is it every time I meet a seemingly perfect guy, he has a hidden deal-breaking social media habit? How much more heartbreak can my heart take?
We all know that the best part of an exciting new relationship is getting to brag about him to your friends. I used to spend wine nights with the girls listening to them endlessly gush about their boyfriends—how Max has a bomb dick, how Jared can cook, how George buys the most beautiful roses after he gets caught cheating—and wonder when it would be my turn to dish. But now that all my friends follow my guy on Twitter, that pleasure has been taken away from me. They already know he’s a “hopeless romantic” who “can’t help but spoil his girl” by “sending her roses at work”—he retweeted the photo of them that I posted on my own page. Ugh! He ruins everything!
It doesn’t hurt that my boyfriend is hot. Like, so hot that he separately tweeted a picture of his Twitter avi and got a ton of faves. But he’s not a jerk about his hotness! One time he retweeted a follower who thought he was Harry Styles and said she’d slit her wrists if he didn’t retweet how much she loved him. He cares about a life he’s never even met before, just as long as it involves comparing him to a hot pop star. I’m so torn!
Our intimacy has also been taking a hit, considering how exclusively he gets off on pumping the retweet button (but never from dudes, since he isn’t gay). I mean, I could acknowledge his confidence. It takes a lot of that to tell your 154 followers—154 separate compliment-givers—that you’re too far up your own ass to say thank you. And it’s totally different for me. Like when people compliment me on Twitter, it almost always results in having to report the person.
But still, I guess it could be worse. When my boyfriend rebroadcasts his praises, he never fails to mention how “humbled” or “flattered” he is. Actually, sometimes he just tweets the emoji of a monkey covering his face (which is honestly how I feel reading his timeline). But, hey! It could be worse!
Until I get this figured out, I’m going to deal with this the only way I know how: creating anonymous troll accounts to cut him down. I’m doing this for us!