As you are well aware, you are a flawless vixen. A diamond goddess. A goddamn model just waiting to be discovered and gifted to the world. You’re welcome, world! If you doubt us, simply check yourself out in your vanity while getting ready for a night out or in your compact on the way to work. But heed our warning: Some mirrors are foes that spew hot bullshit about whether or not your arms have cellulite. These are the world’s worst bastard mirrors that will try to make you feel like a living perversity with their not-so-funhouse reflections. DO NOT BELIEVE THEIR LIES!
1. The Mirror in the Third Dressing Room on the Left at the Forever 21 on 16th Street
This mirror is a real insidious prick. You’ll step into the dressing room and put on a mini dress that has the back, sides, and some of the front cut out, which you know is the perfect cut-out formula to make your body look bangin’. Then you step in front of the mirror, and suddenly you look like a sack of oranges in bondage gear. Breathe! Remember that the reflection can’t be true because you wore a dress just like the one you’re wearing less than three years ago, and that’s when you hooked up with Hot Brian for the first time. Put the mirror in its place by screaming, “You’re a LIAR! You’re a FUCKING liar!”
2. The Mirror on the Second Floor of IKEA, the Jåvlafitta or Something
IKEA is the perfect place to pick up affordable, modern furnishings, but don’t let your zeal for a deal make you accidentally buy a rotten mirror. You’ll spot your mom across the store and wave to her, only to realize it’s supposed to be you. AGHHHH!!! You’re not your mom; you’re an entirely different person who is way younger! Just smile, wink, and whisper, “I’m wise to your tricks, you Swedish pig.” (Note: Only say this if you’re 100% sure it’s not your mom.)
3. The Driver’s Side Visor Mirror of Your Honda Accord
The car harbors a filthy liar, and we’re not talking about your dashboard hula girl. This insidious mirror makes it look like you have a moustache. Which is insane! You didn’t see a moustache in your good, kind, truthful mirrors at home. You’ll start obsessing, digging in your purse for tweezers while wondering how much bleaching cream costs, and then you’ll run up on the curb, stopping just short of a young couple pushing a stroller. It’s like the mirror thirsted for your pain! Diabolical. Do not trust.
4. The Women’s Room Mirror at Dusty’s Roadhouse
You’re most likely to run into this one after you’ve just broken up with Justin and your friend wants to help you feel better, but she takes you to Dusty’s even though she knows you don’t even like micheladas. When someone next to you is really bad at Big Buck Hunter, you’ll run to the bathroom, crying (Justin was really bad at Big Buck Hunter and now he’s gone). Then you’ll see a dismal slutwreck of a raccoon in the mirror and think, “Oh god, that’s me.” You’ll know the mirror is wrong, since you’re not crying hard enough to make your eyeliner run THAT much. Even if you aren’t fooled, the woman next to you might ask you if you’re okay. Set her straight by saying, “This isn’t me, this isn’t me,” while sobbing and punching at the raccoon. That mirror has a serious problem!
5. The Antique Full-Length Mirror You Inherited From Your Grandma
This mirror makes everything look kind of yellowy, and it’s wide, and it bulges in the middle… just… don’t even look. You’ll be curious, and you’ll peek, and… no. Nana clearly put a curse on it to make it reflect your terrible sins while your actual body remains pretty forever. Throw a towel over it, stuff it into your closet, and comfort yourself knowing it will burn forever in Hell with the other deceivers and false prophets, like Nana.
6. The Mirror at the End of Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion Ride
When you look in this mirror, it shows you riding with a spooky ghost. But then you look next to you, and there’s no ghost there. Lies!!!
To remain secure in your glorious gorgeousness, be sure to avoid these six mirrors. Who are you going to believe: your own eyes, or the truth?
