Granite countertops—so hot right now! They’re hard, durable, and look like they were decorated in your toilet, a delightfully unexpected element in your food preparation space! Here are our top picks for the best in elimination-themed granite to increase the value of your home and give your kitchen that “someone pooped on this” look.
Giallo Veneziano (Home Depot, $9.95/ea.)
“Giallo Veneziano” is Italian for “Oops-a, my IBS ruined my pants-a!” The random splatters of beige, brown, and darker brown will make it look like you couldn’t make it to the powder room—without overwhelming your kitchen’s current design concept. It won’t even matter that your cat spends all day on the counter while you’re not home; her trots will blend right in, only to be found as a fun surprise when you try to make a sandwich. We cannot emphasize this enough: Granite looks like crap! Fun, yeah?
Emerald Green (Wayfair, $13.68/sq. ft.)
This choice is for all you veggie lovers out there! This gorgeous granite, with its sickly overtones and milky poopy spots, will never quite match anything else going on in your kitchen, but it will remind you of your health smoothie-induced liquid doo-doo. Now you’ve increased the resale value of your house for the next buyer who won’t care how something looks, only that it’s expensive and in-demand. Veggies contain so much roughage that you probably find yourself wanting to go on that gleaming kitchen island. Now you can live that dream! Haha, you are too much!
Ruby Red Granite (ACityDiscount.com, $604.20 for 30” X 40” slab)
For the wilder among you, we present a jubilant, bold, splatty-poop-lookin’ red granite countertop. If you’re bold, trendy, and can’t stop mysteriously shitting blood, this is the product for you! It’s also the counter of choice for many serial killers for its neat dismemberment qualities. No matter how you’re spilling blood on this bad boy, you won’t make a mess…especially when you bleach it before your guests arrive. Remember: Bright red blood means it’s probably just hemorrhoids!
Montesol Granite (Home Depot, $8/ea.)
Wow—there sure is a lot going on here! Many people enjoy granite because it hides messes and spills. Many people hate having to clean up potentially illness-spreading puddles of perishable goo. If there’s one place you just want avoid cleaning grease drippings, decaying food, or little Braydenne’s sink-bath accident, it’s the kitchen. Hey—if no one can see it, that’s all that matters. Sold!
Whether it’s dookie mess or food waste, granite countertops will help you avoid cleaning forever with their splattery beauty. The crazy expense of the whole thing is just a bonus!