So, you’re about to fruitlessly match with someone on Tinder who will never message you back, not show up, or end things after three dates because he has a wife and two kids. You can either stay on the app, or try finding a piece of thawing lake ice and stand on that instead. Here are some lakes with mini ice floes you can test your entire body weight on instead of aimlessly swiping through Tinder!
That Lake by Grandma’s
What’s that lake by Grandma’s house called? Frond Lake? Whatever. You know the one. Go to it, and find that little patch of ice just off the rickety dock next door to her place. Walk out and try to stand on that thawing patch as it threatens to collapse under your weight. If you get scared, think of the alternative: Going back on Tinder, swiping right for every 100 people and hoping you match with a complete stranger you’re not even attracted to because how can you even know if you’re attracted to a stranger? Nope! Frond Lake it is. Maybe you will be lucky enough to fall in. Goodbye, Grandma.
This lake is supposedly the coldest lake in the U.S., even in the height of summer. So there might be ice out there at any time of year. Score! Wade out into Lake Superior, find a piece of ice, crawl on top of it, and stand tall. There. Now, as the hypothermia sets in and the thinness of the ice increases with each load-bearing step you take, think to yourself, “This is bad, but at least I don’t have to read ‘Funnier than you’ in a finance bro’s Tinder profile ever again.” That would be a far, far worse fate than falling into this frigid water.
The world’s coldest lake is located in Russia and gets as cold as -58 degrees Fahrenheit! So, think about this: Would you rather float while standing on a chunk of ice until slowly, over many weeks and even months, it veers ever closer to a warmer climate and begins to melt. Or would you rather check Tinder and find the following messages all in a row, with no response from you:
“You look dumb anyway”
“My dad hates me so I’m real tough”
The choice is up to you, but it seems clear enough, no?
Not close to a lake? Buy a bunch of ice from the nearest gas station and pour it into your bathtub. As you submerge your feet, you can simulate standing on a slowly melting ice patch. This will give you power — power to resist visiting that little app with the fire icon that makes you question your worth as a human just because you swipe left on dozens of shirtless men who refuse to date you anyway, since you’re not a blowup doll with a squirrel brain shoved into its mouth hole. Standing here on this ice, willing yourself to take deep, measured breaths into your apartment bathroom will surely prove a better idea than ever opening Tinder ever again.
If you’re feeling skeptical, don’t worry! This will definitely help stave off the urge to hopelessly search for men who will inevitably disappoint you. Sure, some may be decent, but it’s easier to find a thawing lake than it is to find a needle in a douche-filled haystack.