It can be hard when your boyfriend is always yapping – grunting at the barista, telling your friend she has “bad taste in podcasts,” and shaking his head at the construction site on your block that “is the worst architectural addition this neighborhood’s ever seen.” Unfortunately, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to curb his behavior or remove his disapproving energy from your life, so you may have to start apologizing for him as if he’s an aggressive Chihuahua at some point. Here’s how:
Emphasize that his bark is worse than his bite.
When your boyfriend is screaming at customer service reps on the phone in the middle of your brunch with friends, it’s important to remind everyone that he’s actually really harmless. “He’s not really going to get that person fired, it’s just a performance to get his money back.” Keep explaining that he’s actually really sweet when you two are alone together and he’s at home on his comfy pillow.
Make lots of stunned expressions.
Acting like you are aghast at the fact that your bf pushed past your friend to get to the bar while muttering something about his “terrible week” is a great way to let people know that you are deeply embarrassed by his behavior and do apologize for it. Make your eyes get really wide, then order him some sliders and explain, “He just has low blood sugar. He’s really not himself today.” Everyone will know that he just requires a certain level of care.
Scoop him up and take him in the other room.
Sometimes your boyfriend can get out of control, yelling to no one in particular that “Bernie could’ve won!” in a quiet place or a park. At this point, your best bet is to take him in your arms and bring him behind a closed bedroom door for a while until he’s had time to cool off. Give him something to play with like an iPhone game, while you go back to the party. Sometimes the best apology is just a knowing look and a quiet diffusion of tension, and then never speaking of what happened again.
Boyfriends can often be just as difficult as nippy dogs. Thankfully they’re just as easy to tame with a few treats and distractions. Good luck with your yappy little boy!