How to Tell If the Guy You’re Talking to Grew Up in a House With a Kitchen Island

So, you’re chatting up this cute guy. Congratulations! The natural next step is to discern if he’s ever coming into any family money. One way to achieve this is to find out if he was raised by emotionally absent parents who worked hard and well past 5 p.m., leaving your prospect plenty of unsupervised time to prop his elbows up the most stable fixture of his moneyed, childhood home: on a kitchen island with polished marble countertops. Here’s how:


He loves his golden retriever.

It’s named something like Tucker, Maverick, or Scout. Also, it looks like it jumped straight out of an ad for boat shoes and is probably biologically related to a Romney. And it’s not really his dog since it lives at his parents’ house, but that doesn’t stop him from telling you he personally has a golden retriever. If you’ve seen more than one photo of Tucker during your five-minute conversation, he might be of kitchen island experience.


He regularly reminisces about high school. 

While we all inevitably talk about our formative years with the people we date, a dude who grew up in a house with a kitchen island will bring his up regularly and with enthusiasm. Remember, his parents were busy working hard for that imported granite, and this guy is going to make sure you know he and his buddies played endless hours of beer pong on the kitchen island at his house senior year. 


He has a degree either in finance or sculpture.

Nothing in between.


He seems to lean back and suddenly lose his balance a lot.

This would perhaps be the most obvious giveaway as to whether this guy is expecting to come into some cash once his parents kick the bucket. A guy who grows up in a household of a certain tax bracket will regularly find himself nearly falling over, as his muscle memory encourages him to reach for the nearest kitchen island and rest his arm or hip on it to take an undeserving load off. 


While his privileged childhood might introduce other problems in your hypothetical relationship, you can rest assured that should you make it work, there’s a good chance you’ll be looking at a decent return on your investment — at least when it comes to extra countertop space.