While life has really taken off for your childhood friend Sarah Thompson, with, her newly renovated Brooklyn townhouse, a marriage to the love of her life, and her consistent 19% body fat, today she announced on her popular lifestyle blog that her success is in part due to you and your simple, homespun ways.
“Your down-to-earth attitude has kept me real through all these huge transitions in my life,” she wrote, in her self-designed, whimsical font, beneath a picture of the two of you where you look like you’re about to sneeze. “Thanks, girl!”
Sarah, who runs marathons but is super hush-hush about it, very much appreciates your presence in her life. Even though you and your pre-diabetes don’t have much going on in your own life, she appreciates that you’re always there to help her keep the momentary blips in her fabulous life in perspective.
“Last summer we were having the guest suite renovated and the interior designer chose oak instead of beech for the sideboard, I was freaking OUT,” she recounted, beneath a picture of her looking somber, yet gorgeous. “Then I remembered you don’t even own your own place—you’re still renting. Wow, I thought. I take so much for granted!”
In fact, Sarah’s so grateful that she’s thanked you in five languages, because that’s how many she speaks due to her outstanding private education and exceptional brain capacity. As part of her high-paying job that allows her to travel internationally, Sarah collects air miles even faster than you collect five-month-long relationships. “Grazie mille for agreeing to feed our rare orchids while we’re hangin’ in Madagascar!” she wrote to you, on one of the unbleached notecards she made herself. She’s just so glad to have you in her life!
Sarah can’t wait to have beautiful children with her handsome entrepreneur husband. “I’m going to need you there for moral support during the difficult first few months of motherhood—and also because you’re the only person who can always make me laugh by pointing out that you have more stretch marks than me, even when I’m post-partum. Thanks in advance, honey!” She said this over the loudspeaker at an airport gate for seemingly no reason and it hurt you a lot.
Life couldn’t get any better for your successful friend Sarah—unless you could slip in a pile of dogshit to add some levity to the unattainable perfection of her day-to-day. If it weren’t for your ambient schlubbiness, she might just burst into a thousand beams of light and strike the whole world blind. “Thanks for everything, girl!”
