A new study out of the University of Michigan has made a startling discovery about the way our food is packaged and presented: Scientists found that the serving size of any given bag should just be that whole given bag.
“This was a question that plagued me for a while,” said Lead Researcher Fiona Wythe. “I would finish an entire bag of chips or gummies then be absolutely appalled to see that I had consumed something like 9.5 servings. Where did that come from? One ‘serving’ of food should just be the amount of food that I ate, so it should just be the bag.”
Following extensive research over the course of two years, Fiona can now confidently say, yeah, that’s how it should be.
“As far as the health effects, we did not consider the health effects,” Fiona continued. “We just considered overall happiness, good vibes, et cetera. This study was about justice, not science. I mean, it was also about science.”
For the “science” component of the study, Fiona asked a sample of people whether they had ever seen the serving size on a bag of food and chosen to eat only that much, and 100% of respondents said no, never. She then asked if they wished the serving size would just be “one” every time, and 100% said yes.
“That pretty much settled it,” she continued. “Just give the people what they want!”
As far as whether bags of snacks should just be made smaller such that they represent one single serving, Fiona said, “Absolutely not.”
“We shouldn’t make the bags as small as the current serving size. We should just acknowledge that the bag is the serving size,” she continued. “However big the bag is, that’s how big the serving size should be. What about this is so hard to understand?”
Members of the public were extremely supportive of Fiona’s campaign, especially people who were bad at math.
“You’re saying you put the food in the bag, but I’m not supposed to eat the whole bag?” local mom Maggie Connors asked reporters. “So if I open a bag of chips, and I read that there’s eight servings in that bag, am I supposed to eat only an eighth of it?”
She then would not take “yes” for an answer.
As of press time, the FDA had taken one look at the study, laughed, threw it in the trash, and gone back to trying to determine whether Coke is a carcinogen.
