In a groundbreaking study out of the University of Michigan, scientists have found that when a guy asks if you’ve heard of a director, you can actually just say that you have.
“Literally no one can stop you,” said research assistant Brian Hernandez. “What’s he going to do? Say, ‘No you haven’t’? You don’t know who I’ve heard of, asshole! That’s how we recommend you reply.”
“This is gratifying news for the entire non-male community,” said supervising researcher Dr. Sheila Marcus. “But it’s especially important for women who go on dates with film bros, attend liberal arts colleges, or live in the vicinity of Brooklyn.”
Directors that you can just say you’ve heard of include Yuri Bykov, Anton Corbijn, and Vayev Rudutski. The study also found that the last name on this list is made up, but it doesn’t matter.
“The research team conducted this experiment with rigorous attention to the scientific method,” Dr. Marcus continues. “And that sucked, because we had to talk to a lot of insufferable people.”
The control group for the experiment was instructed to say that they had not heard of a director, which often resulted in a man walking them through the director’s entire anthology, explaining why it is flawed, and getting super close to their face.
Meanwhile, the study found that the most common responses to you saying you have heard of a director are, “Huh,” “Um,” and a subject change.
“We’ve never seen such significant results,” said Department Chair Amy Klein. “Or so many men in floral button-down shirts and wide rimmed glasses in one place.”
But the influential research didn’t end there: The study also found that you can just say you’ve listened to a band’s album, heard of a global event, and really understand what the Frankfurt School is.
“It’s not every day you get to supervise such important research as this,” continued Klein. “Women everywhere will be spared from collective hours of meaningless conversation. Think of how much self-actualizing they could do in that time.”
“This is bullshit,” said local douchebag Max White. “I’m supposed to believe girls have heard of Paul Thomas Anderson now?”
“Yes,” said Dr. Marcus.
