As part of their mission to continually side with the big business over the working middle class, Slack has introduced a new status that signals to your boss when you’re technically at your computer but kind of just vibing instead of doing work.
The app, famous for snitching when you’re not on your computer like an annoying little sibling, rolled out its “Just vibing” status marker as part of its enduring plan to enrage the proletariat.
This comes as a blow to ne’er do wells everywhere who had finally figured out how to make it seem like they were doing their jobs simply by having the Slack app open on their desktop while doing other things, like scrolling through social media, online shopping, or just staring blankly into space, contemplating the sweet release of death.
“I log on at 9 a.m. every morning and immediately start playing a 10-hour Youtube loop of Nyan Cat from 2012,” said disgruntled office worker, Henrietta Drear. “My Slack status used to show that I was ‘active’ that whole time, but lately it’s been saying I’m, ‘just vibing.’ What the hell! Do I still get paid for that?”
Sources checked with Henrietta’s boss and confirmed: no.
“This sucks,” Henrietta continued. “Now I’m supposed to work while I’m ‘working’? What’s next? Writing when I say I’m ‘writing’? Exercising when I say I’m ‘exercising’? The world’s descending into chaos!”
Representatives at Slack have proudly announced that the “Just Vibing” status even has sub-tiers, like “Just vibing – grabbing a snack real quick,” “Just vibing – watching the 2018 Jimmy Awards on Youtube,” and “Just vibing – doing a deep dive into the sinking of the Lusitania by a German U-Boat, which spurred World War I.”
“I was scrolling through my camera roll the other day to see what I looked like in 2015,” said remote email marketer Don McGuffin. “I checked my Slack status, and it was on, ‘Just vibing – scrolling through my camera roll to see how much better I looked eight years ago.’ That’s so specific and mean!”
“We see what you’ve been doing,” said Slack representative Marvin Green, sneering in the reporters’ direction. “We see all! We know! We see you not doing work, and we won’t stand for it! You’re done in this town, you hear? Done!”
Sources confirm he then scurried away in a fit of rage.
“I’d say things have never been better for me,” said startup boss Michael Field. “I’ve never checked someone’s Slack status in my life, but it seems like my employees are freaked out about it. Sick!”
