A groundbreaking study out of the University of South Florida has finally identified the perfect way to eat ice cream: right out of the carton! To really uplift the flavor, though, scientists confirm it tastes even better if you’re also crying and naked and holding a knife.
“I wish I could say I’m surprised,” said Lead Researcher Fara Jurdeen. “But this was the outcome I expected all along. Have you ever had ice cream straight out of the carton while crying and naked and holding a knife? Shit’s bliss…”
After extensive research, scientists were able to confirm shit’s bliss.
During the study, researchers pinpointed pleasure centers in the brain and observed their reactions to certain stimuli.
“These pleasure centers lit up once the subject started eating ice cream,” Dr. Judeen reported. “But once the subject started eating it out of the carton and got naked and started crying and brandishing that knife, well, it was like the Fourth of July up in that bitch.”
By “that bitch,” it appears Dr. Judeen is referring to the ventral tegmental area and the nucleus accumbens, and by “Fourth of July,” she probably meant shit was lighting up big time.
The results then got even more specific: scientists identified that between the two factors that influence ice cream enjoyment – 1) eating it out of the carton, and 2) eating it while crying and naked and holding a knife – Factor 2 had a greater effect on the results.
“When we compare enjoyment of ice cream straight from the carton while clothed, for example, it’s minimal,” Dr. Jurdeen continued. “Meanwhile, eating ice cream from a tiny little bowl, but still crying and being naked and holding a knife, now those results were closer to the ideal.”
The results of this study come as a surprise to no one who has ever eaten ice cream while crying and naked and holding a knife, but as a surprise to anyone who has never done that.
“Wait, that was an option?” said local mom Dina Hydeger. “Like a common enough option that they made a study out of it?”
Yup! Everyone’s doing it, Dina! Get on board or get fucked!
At press time, scientists were able to identify one final factor that made ice cream taste even better than they previously thought possible: someone else buying it.
