Woman Trapped Under Avalanche of Frozen Veggies After Removing Load-Bearing Ice Cream

In a developing story, 26-year-old Kelsey Harmin has been trapped for several hours under an avalanche of frozen vegetables after removing the pint of ice cream that was supporting them.


“I haven’t cleaned out my freezer in awhile, so I guess I should’ve predicted this, ” stated Kelsey, her voice muffled under a frozen-solid bag of kale. “But I honestly had no idea that moving my Cherry Garcia would cause such a disaster. The elements are a fickle beast.”


While rescue efforts are currently underway, Kelsey’s roommate Linda seems pessimistic about how long she will remain trapped.


“If it hadn’t been for me coming home, she’d have been here all day,” said Kelsey. “I don’t see the rescuers being able to unbury her from the layers of brown bananas and Trader Joe’s blueberry waffles any time soon. It seems bleak.”


The crew sent to extract Kelsey expressed similar concerns.


“At this point in the rescue operation, we have to be careful not to shift the freeze pops and cause a secondary Lean Cuisine slide,” explained lead rescuer Kevin Du. “It would delay our efforts and cause unnecessary damage to the young woman’s remaining Magnum bars, which we obviously want to avoid.”


“Those things are super expensive,” he added.



But Kelsey is trying to remain positive.


“It’s been a long ordeal, but I have hope that I’ll make it out alive,” Kelsey said, struggling to breathe under a torn bag of frozen corn slowly emptying into her air space.


“I mean, it’s not like I don’t have anything to eat,” she added.