A recent study that I and I alone conducted, found that pet owners, without exception, absolutely love it when I shriek at their dogs in public spaces. Be it sidewalks, parks, or inside their own homes, pet owners simply live for the thrill of my derailing their day to shower their canine with adoration.
Specifically, they go fucking bananas for whenever I shriek “HI BABY!” at their dog while it’s sniffing around for somewhere to pee.
Out of the one person who was surveyed for this study (my friend Angela), an astounding 100% of participants reported there’s no reason to not love such behavior. “The unconditional love, the snuggles, the games of fetch—sure, those are all fine reasons to become a pet owner,” she said. “But the glee of being bombarded by a joyful HI BABY? Well, that makes all that picking up poop totally worth it.”
In addition to “HI BABY!”, researchers found a number of acceptable—nay, simply lusted for—canine greetings. These include, but are not limited to: “HONEY BEAR!”, an eight-second gasp, sprinting through moving traffic towards a German Shepherd across the street, “Oh you’re Mr. Handsome, aren’t you? Aren’t you Mr. Handsome?” and calling a stranger’s dog by the name of your deceased childhood pup followed by a one-way conversation with the dog about how he looks like your dead family pup.
Zero percent of study participants found a high-pitched greeting invasive, intrusive, or even annoying. Indeed, dog walkers are essentially begging for me to drop whatever I’m doing to bum-rush their pup while squealing at the highest decibel my vocal cords can manage. The results suggest that pet owners have almost no reason to leave their homes unless a 30-year-old woman attempts to momentarily abduct their beloved pet.
The study was conducted over the course of three drinks, wherein I grilled the one participant on the financials of dog ownership. Luckily, my research indicates I can terrorize strangers’ pets on the street whenever I please, guilt-free. Since all pet owners expect and desire full-on street harassment from me while taking their dog out to shit, many folks actually build an extra 20 minutes into their walk because of this. I now know I have a responsibility to make pet owners’ days by petting their dog without consent. Cheers to scientific research!