A gift card is as good as money, right? Not if you get unnecessarily creative. Whether it’s your shitty coworker or your shitty brother-in-law, try the following annoying and impersonal gift cards when you’re forced to buy something for the person you hate. With these gift cards, their gift will be as good as nothing!
A “Fun Yet Educational” Class
Get the gift of a terrible experience! Make sure your Secret Santa for Rod from accounting is a boring lesson about the origins of different soap making materials or a “how to cure your own vegan meats.” Bonus points if the class makes the recipient feel uncultured. Why not pay for a subpar music appreciation class at the local Y?
A gift card for a makeover is a great way of saying, “You look terrible.” Make it extra painful by getting your bitchy secretary you can’t fire because her uncle owns the company a gift card for eyebrow threading or mustache waxing. She’ll get your meaning when you write, “You deserve a treat” in the card.
A $5 Gift Card to Subway
Need to get your ex-husband something to show the kids you’re making an effort to be conciliatory? There’s almost nothing as sad as sitting in an overly bright fast food chain eating rubbery food without your family. Tell him you “thought you might like to try that sandwich diet!” Also note that he’ll have to pay the tax on that $5 footlong.
A Subscription to Christian Mingle
This one works whether they’re Christian, single, or neither of those thing because it shows you haven’t been paying attention. Gay Helen from book club will be extra insulted you thought she was into any of these things.
The Christmas Shoppe
No one wants crappy holiday novelties any time of the year, but this card is especially useless to anyone right after Christmas, especially if they already have dishtowels.
A Traveling Food Truck
No matter how good the tacos are, your smug surgeon stepbrother will never be able to track down the truck’s location at a convenient time.
A gym membership would be annoying enough, but giving someone a gift card for Crossfit is extra brutal. Unless the person you hate loves Crossfit. If that’s the case, get them a gift card for Dunkin Donuts. Fail, bitch!
Chuck E. Cheese’s
This gift card’s great for someone with or without kids. Act like it was an obvious choice and they’ll forever wonder what it is about them that made you think they’d be into this.
Pole Dancing Classes
Give the gift card that says, “We’ve all notice your husband’s wandering eye so maybe step it up a little, also you seem to have a lot of free time.”
Look at you: You’re just eleven seconds away from giving the perfect thoughtless gift!