Mindy Kaling got a job writing for The Office at age 24; meanwhile, you’ve only been in an office three times, and it was to interview for jobs you didn’t get. So what if Taylor Swift made $57 million a year at age 22 when all you made was $570 before taxes? When Lena Dunham’s life story reminds you that all your furniture is tiny because you’re poor, just refer to this list of unsuccessful women under 30 that will remind you that at least you’re not doing THAT badly:
1. Your roommate Rachel (“Entrepreneur,” 24)
Rachel is the human antithesis of the word “success.” She only dates bassists, bleaches her hair with DayQuil, and was fired from Denny’s. Denny’s. Now she sells stolen bicycles on Etsy. Her behavior might be why you think you’re doing okay, but keep in mind that compared to Rachel, a diabetic housecat is doing okay. The dirt under her nails is not a “tan French manicure,” it is actual sand. And it’s February. You’re doing great.
2. Your neighbor “Current Resident” (Something at a college maybe, 28-ish)
You’ve chosen to keep quiet about that time a delivery guy accidentally delivered two large pizzas to your apartment and then your neighbor came out and yelled, “Hey everyone, pizza’s here!” when she was obviously alone. You kept quiet because you’re a good person and you’re going to be okay. That, and of course the fact that you’ve come to accept your pizza habits and it’s sad that your neighbor is still doing the whole fake party charade. Whatever, you’ll be fine.
3. Your co-worker Carly (Waitress, 22)
Carly is the only person to whom you can say, “You look tired,” with a genuine worry devoid of even a shred of catty and competitive undertone. Everyone is concerned about Carly. If her dark circles were any darker, that pet name her boyfriend uses, “Panda,” would just be rude and not endearing. Maybe it’s having two young children while having two jobs; who knows. You’re killing it!
4. That girl from high school (Stay-At-Home-Mom, 27)
You know the one. The one with six kids, seven engagement photos albums, and eight failed attempts to be a medical assistant from Daytime TV University? On your worst day, you’re a shiftless millennial, and she has six little humans who love her. On your best day, you’re having an adventure in the city, and she’s stuck with six little humans who love her. Which is… bad? You’re doing amazing.
5. That woman crying in the bathroom (???, 19)
After you turned 20, your days of crying on the floor of the women’s restroom were over. If you recently read an article about some teenager that’s changing the world through microloans and are feeling bad about yourself, stop and chat to the crying woman on the floor of the Chili’s bathroom. Her recent accomplishments include getting back with Brad, dumping Brad, getting back with Brad, fucking Joe P., and dumping Brad. Future plans include calling Brad and calling out Joe P. See, you’re doing great!
6. Your sister Chelsea (Former piercing artist, 24)
Ugh. Just…UGH. What a disaster. Who the hell gets fired from Claire’s?
7. Jessica’s fetus (Unemployed, 26 weeks)
Wow. This is a human that can’t even eat on her own. Forget about holding her head up or having a career. At least you can roll over without kicking your mom in the ribs. You’re a prodigy.
Now that you have some perspective, try not to compare yourself to powerful, independent female role models and refer to this collection of failed women instead. You’re not mediocre – you’re perfect.
