How to Turn Your Feelings Into Salads

Every woman knows the value of eating her feelings. But did you know that your feelings can sometimes become fatty foods that you eat next to an open fridge? You could go to a therapist to analyze your emotions, but self-reflection can be highly expensive and dangerously boring. Instead, why not turn those pesky and overwhelming feelings into healthy, affordable, yummy salads? Stop sulking and get your salad on!


Disillusionment One-Bean Salad

A new spin on the classic Disillusionment Three-Bean Salad, this salad showcases one lonely, but totally capable, self-sufficient little lentil. This sassy legume doesn’t need anyone else, just a twin bed of lettuce and whatever dressing’s not expired. Serve with a list of men’s phone numbers you can’t legally contact anymore.


Crying in the Shower Watercress Toss

If you have a deep ache in your stomach that feels like sadness, it’s just a sign that you need more superfoods in your diet, like the ones found in this delicious watercress salad! Start by taking a shower and sobbing while sitting on the floor. For guidelines, see Glenn Close in The Big Chill. Hold a tasteful salad bowl underneath your puffy, bloated face to catch your salty tears mixed with shower water. Add the watercress to your tear puddle and top with toasted sesame seeds. Serve with a box of wine. Who says diets have to be restricting?



Pain and Regret Kale Mix

Did you know that kale is the salad green most often found in the trash? Next time you go through your ex’s rubbish (for composting purposes, of course), squirrel away some of those sweetly bitter kale leaves for yourself. Toss with some balsamic vinegar and a crushed benzo. You’ll be shimmying into those skinny jeans he left behind before you know it!


Confused & Helpless Tuna Slaw Surprise

This one is for the gals on the go! Simply combine one can of chunk tuna (drained), one tablespoon low-fat mayonnaise, lots of breathing, can’t stop breathing, breathing too fast, help help help help help help. Share with your mom and the EMTs!



Sometimes you don’t know what you’re feeling – and that means nobody else does either, okay? Put whatever the fuck you want into this salad because no one’s watching and no one will miss you.


If you stick with this meal plan, pretty soon your diet will be exactly as healthy as your emotional life. You go, girl!