Serial Optimist Exhausts Entire Group of Friends

Optimist - Reductress

After repeatedly looking at the bright side and flagrantly making the best of what she’s got, friends of Sarah Constantino have grown exhausted of her compulsive positivity.


“Honestly, I can’t take it anymore.” says Jamie Rivera, after Constantino’s recent spiritual awakening. “I’m speaking for our whole group of friends when I say that her persistent gratitude can kiss my ass.”


Last Monday afternoon as Rivera vented to Constantino about her increased workload over lunch, Constantino allegedly responded, “Just do what you can every day, and trust that the universe has your back,” before giving her a warm shoulder rub. “I swear to God, I almost broke her arm,” Rivera said.


When Rivera asked Constantino if there were any problems in her relationship, Constantino added, “I’m not even thinking about that kind of stuff. I’m just enjoying hanging out with him and being in the moment.” She then went on to ask Rivera if she wanted to borrow her copy of The Artist’s Way.



Things between Constantino and her group of friends hit a fever pitch when they went on a trip to Forever 21, Rivera says. “I tried on six dresses, and I looked disgusting in all of them. But Sarah just kept yelling, “I love everything! I’m having one of those days where everything I try on looks good!”


“I mean, I just can’t relate to someone who feels good about their body in a Forever 21 dressing room,” says Rivera. “I need a break from her.”


Friends expressed relief when Constantino revealed she is going on a three-month trip to India, where she will be staying in a silent ashram.