Woman First In Family to Graduate College Without A Boyfriend

graduation cocaine - reductress

Relatives gathered in a small split-level ranch on Oak Street Friday for the graduation of Kristina Walker, the family’s first woman to graduate college without a boyfriend.


“My grandmother worked day in and day out to graduate from college with a steady boyfriend,” says Walker, a magna cum laude business graduate with no date to the university’s commencement dance. “I wouldn’t be standing here today if it wasn’t for her impeccable focus and unwavering determination to secure herself to Grandpa before her four years were up.”


A stay-at-home mom on her 25th year of marriage, Walker’s mother Carol also had to work relentlessly to graduate college with a suitor in tow.


“I don’t know how she’ll meet anyone now that college is over,” Carol offers, noting the dwindling dating pool among her daughter’s peers.



Sources confirmed Walker’s older sister and three female cousins also graduated college with a man on lockdown, adding her younger sister Meghan was on track to graduate with a boyfriend as well.


“We’re not sure where we went wrong with Meghan,” Walker’s father says of his single salutatorian.


According to Walker, her many extracurriculars and involvement in the university’s business school resulted in several hopeful suitors, but no one to take romantic commencement photos with when the day arrived.


“Nate and I went out a couple of times back when I was considering a double major in biology,” Walker added. “There was also that thing with Brian the summer I ran a marathon and interned for a law firm, but nothing serious after that.”


Walker added her junior year spent digging wells in Uganda also contributed to her stag graduation ceremony.


“There wasn’t a single guy on that trip,” Walker added, wiping her tears on her commencement speech notes. “I should’ve joined a sorority.”