Company Hires Hello Kitty Over Japanese Woman

Hello Kitty - Reductress

Anaheim resident Christine Sato was shocked to find that Japanese sneaker company Sole Fitness has chosen popular cartoon Hello Kitty over her for a position as Global Brand Manager.


“Out of hundreds of applicants, I got to the final round, and then they blind-sighted me,” Sato says. “I have a family to feed. I think Hello Kitty is only in third grade.”


Sato felt confident after her interviews, which included rigorous logic puzzles and advanced-level management simulations. “I went to Stanford. I sealed major athletic accounts at Ogilvy. I saw Hello Kitty’s resume, and it was just a picture of a ladybug.”


The spokesperson for Sole Fitness Rod Bishop claims that there was no foul play at hand.


“This is not about race,” Bishop states. “We simply feel that Hello Kitty is a better fit, and has more of a connection to our brand. Did you know she’s from London? She even has tiny skates.”


When Sato mentioned she had also lived in London, Bishop scoffed. “But you’re not from London. You’re from Japan. Obviously.”



When pressed about Sole Fitness’s affirmative action policy, Bishop stated, “If you do good work, then I want to hire you. And after learning more about her background as a human girl in the third grade, we realized that Hello Kitty is exactly that fresh perspective we are looking for. Remember the tiny skates?”


After Sato questioned the company’s ethics in hiring a “young cartoon,” the company re-released their diversity statement, which promises not to disregard any Sole Fitness applicants based on gender, race, orientation, ability, or three-dimensionality outside of a coloring book.


At press time, Bishop reiterated that, “This is not about race. We just wanted to hire someone who reflects the face of our brand, and has absolutely nothing to say otherwise.”