A new study released by the University of Miami has confirmed what many of us intrinsically knew to be true: Buying candy is one of adulthood’s last remaining pleasures.
“The majority of adulthood is, frankly, a letdown,” said Lead Researcher Yael Davish. “Most of the expectations we have for what it will be like are wrong, and you often arrive at mid-life empty-handed, seemingly spited by a world that doesn’t care about your expectations. All that being said, you can buy candy for one, maybe two dollars! And a whole pack of gummies for $2.50? Now that’s a way to live.”
Scientists confirm buying candy is the predominant source of joy for a large percentage of the nation. While only 20% derive significant joy and fulfillment from their work lives, a whopping 95% derive joy from “going ham at a convenience store on the way home.”
At the core of the study, researchers surveyed children, then checked back in 25 years later. 99% of the children’s expectations for their adult lives did not come to pass, including grandiose predictions like “I’m going to be president” and “I’m going to own a single bedroom home.”
The only expectation that did come true, surprisingly, was, “When I get older, I’m going to buy candy literally every day.”
“I buy candy literally every day,” 35-year-old Uzma Khanna told reporters. “I keep thinking there’s going to be a day when I don’t buy candy, but it hasn’t happened yet. I am self-actualizing. I am my childhood self’s greatest dream, or as close as I can fathomably get to it.”
“Will I live in a habitable world by the time I’m 65? No,” said local teacher Jasmine Huang. “But can I get two packets of Skittles on the way home without breaking the bank? You bet your ass I can, and I will.”
“When I was a kid, I thought a house cost $50 and candy also cost $50,” Uzma continued. “Turns out a house is way more expensive, but candy’s literally a dollar? That’s awesome! Life is a gift and every day is a dream.”
A random survey of children showed that the overwhelming majority assumed candy cost over $10 a pop, given the strict regulation of the substance.
“I used to think buying a Snickers would bankrupt my family,” Jasmine told reporters. “Turns out most other things will absolutely bankrupt me, but whether I buy candy actually has no effect on my net worth!”
At press time, researchers identified another one of adulthood’s remaining pleasures: being able to buy whatever cereal you want.
“This shit rocks,” Uzma told reporters, scanning a family-size box of Cookie Crisp at a self-checkout.
