Sad! Atheism is Still This Guy’s Whole Thing

white man

 In a heartbreaking story out of Brooklyn, NY, being an atheist is still 28-year-old Oliver Jenkins’ whole thing.


“It’s just a bummer for everyone,” says an acquaintance, Vicky Lee. “I’m not saying I want Oliver to believe there is a god. Obviously, I don’t care, because I’m a normal person who doesn’t bring it up all the time like Oliver.”


While most people go through their hardcore atheism phase from anywhere between 12 and 22 depending on factors including geographical location, parents’ religious affiliation, and access to Bill Maher, the majority are found to chill out about it by age 25 at the latest.


“To be way too into atheism as an adolescent, perhaps in rebellion, or simply as an exercise in choosing one’s own path is forgivable,” Vicky says. “But at this point it’s like, find a hobby.”


“Learn the guitar. Learn harmonica!” Vicky adds. “I would rather hear novice harmonica than hear Oliver ever quote Freud again.”


Despite Oliver’s claims to be a “free” and “critical” thinker, his thoughts on this particular topic skew Islamophobic, and have not evolved to accommodate new information or perspectives for the past ten years.


“It’s strange, because he’s so obsessed with religion, but his only sources of information on it are other white male atheists,” says Oliver’s roommate, Megan Offrey. “He allegedly thinks eradicating religion will solve all the world’s problems, but doesn’t seem that interested in other ways people are trying to do that like dismantling capitalism, which he says is ‘unrealistic’.”



Wow. When reached for comment, we did not try to reach Oliver for comment because we didn’t feel like talking to an adult about Christopher Hitchens.


“Really the way Oliver clings to atheism isn’t so much about him thinking it will transform or ‘liberate’ the world,” says Megan. “I think, at the end of the day, he just needs something to believe in.”


Aww. Sad!